Day Before:

...new haircut for New York...

...the scary weather I am leaving behind...

I am packed, mostly.

I am ready, mostly.

New York, tomorrow we meet.

Muchas Preguntas:

Hoy en día, tengo muchas preguntas sobre el futuro. Debido a que pronto estaré en Nueva York. ¿Qué pasa si me olvido de Colorado? ¿Qué pasa si no regresas? Porque nada me está aquí. Nada. Voy a tener las respuestas. Ojalá pudiera vivir en mis sueños. La vida sería diferente, si yo tuviera todo lo que quería. Tal vez voy a volver, tal vez no ...

Random Wednesday:

 




"Cause everything it must belong somewhere
Sound stage in California, televisions in Times Square
Yeah, everything it must belong somewhere
I know that now"~Bright Eyes..

New York Air Mix:

This Song in Not About Airplanes:  Harvey
Hello, I'm in Delaware:  City & Colour
This Beautiful Life:  The Dear Hunter
Myfriendjane:  NeverShoutNever!
All My Days:  Alexi Murdoch
My Body's a Zombie for You:  Dead Man's Bones
Bigcitydreams:  NeverShoutNever!
Lullaby for a Snow-Faced Girl:  Kevin Devine
Same Same:  Crazy Diamond
Building Rockets: Gil Mantera's Party Dream
Shake It:  Metro Station
Dare4distance:  NeverShoutNever!
Just like the Wright Bros.: The Rise of Science

Baggage:

Shirts:
2 black v-neck tees
1 white v-neck tee
2 black long-sleeve shirts
1 white long-sleeve shirt
2 white tanks
1 grey spaghetti
1 white tube top
1 black small sweater
1 Nuggets jersey (Billups)

Pants:
New AF jeans
grey AF jeans
grey leggings

Dresses:
black one
blue/brown one

Sweaters:
blue one
oatmeal one

Shoes:
black flats
Uggs

wallet
makeup bag
straightener
hair dryer
phone charger
book
money....

I have incredibly small clothes. 

Broken Eye and Black Nose:

   I woke up this morning in an unusually chipper mood.  And if you know me, than you know me in the morning is not chipper.  I'm more of your average Zombiella.  

   I got to work and some guy said I looked perky....I'm not sure if he was commenting on my mood or how cold I was.....But I didn't let that get to me.  After 8 hours of selling hot wieners and beer, I now smell like a strange wiener and beer mix, along with my perfume and hairspray....Not so good.  I'm exhausted. And then again I'm not...awesome.  Fantastic anxiety.

   I don't know the point of today's post.  Except, I LEAVE FOR NEW YORK IN 5 DAYS!!!!!!!  It's going to be a hellish wait.  I'm fighting myself every step.  Anxiety, excitement, lack of money...I'll end up with a broken eye and a black nose before those five days are up.  Beating myself up over money and bills, but money comes and goes...like guys and shoe sales. P.S that reminds me, I need to get a few shirts yet before I leave...I don't have enough clothes...

Without That Face On:

...confused about her image...

...although we all agree she's so...

I have heavy boots and cannot finish that line.

   I'm an overexposed photograph. I'm in the past and when I look at myself those seconds slip and I'm not real.  It's kinda like that...I cannot protect myself from this sadness without protecting myself from that happiness.  Because they come as a pair.  How many thousands of millions of gentle finger brushes  against each others faces and bodies does it take to make love?  I promise that you've never looked so good...

   I think I'm too afraid of losing something that I love so I refuse to love anything and if I let it be, than maybe I can make the impossible possible.  But I'm afraid.  Because I have heavy heavy boots, and I bury things too deep inside.  I hope you never think about anything as much as I think about you.  It's kinda like that.

  I've got a problem telling time.  Is it morning or is it night? I don't know.  

  I miss life, simply and shyly.  I need that back.  

  And tonight I'm small. Excuse me do you have the time?

  We all agree I'm so....

  And all day at work I promise that I had a mask.  Smiles for pennies.  I beg to differ, sir.  I cannot be a model.

And the whiskey was whispering.  But not loud enough.  And I saw it waiting, but it was never touched.  Because heavy boots means I'm already sinking without the drinking.

 

  But it's not like that, it's me, yet again with blank pages where words should be but I don't know the right ones.

  I'm going to catch a colder.  Excuse me where do you get the tickets?  I promise you've never looked so good....

  I'm headed eastish.  Where the sun rises.  Because this devil town is crummy.  And I've got heavy boots.

   

   

Albany is a Synecdoche and Lavender is Personification:

 

   It's part of something bigger, it stand for something brighter.  I keep thinking my trip to New York is going to give me an epiphany.  Like a blast of Eastern Air in the face knocking me into oblivion.  Because I hate this devil town.  I'm no Colorado Springs Advocate.  I hate it.  Anywhere is better than here, well, mostly anywhere.  At least I don't live in the vicinity of Sarah Palin.  (*She scares the living jeepers out of me)  But let's not get political.  Because I can make a mess of things with that loaded talk.

   I keep wondering if by going to New York, I'm supposed to find something out there...like an absolution...

   Today, I'm restless.  I can't decide if these words are keepable or if I should just start over.  I reread my work over and over, like a crazy person, and I don't ever like how it sounds.  I'm too hard on myself.  I hope I'm not like this in Albany.  

   I hope that, by the time this post is over, this anxiety attack will subside.  Ugh.  I want so much, and I want nothing.  I want to go out, but I don't want to leave my house.  I want food, but I don't want to eat. WTF is my problem this afternoon?? This is anxiety. 

   I guess it's the fear of the unknown.  But I'm not afraid.  

   Maybe it's the wind and the uneasiness in which it blows, or the way the sunlight is not right.  Or maybe how my shirt doesn't fit quite right, or how my hair is absolutely out of control and I HATE IT.  

   Where is the positive?  Well, I leave next Friday.  I escape this devil town for 10 days.  I'm going to job hunt out there, I already decided, just in case things don't work out here ya know?  Because this adventure with my Master's isn't going well.

   I hate these words.  And I have heavy boots today.  And I love the word and.  But words are my enemy today and they bind me to myself, and I hate that.  Like ropes made of run-on sentences and strings of though all tie me down to myself and my lack of creativity.  Because I'm hard on myself.

   But for now, I'll enjoy the lavender flowers than mean life is still going.  And the tulip buds that mean I can keep going and longing for change, for color and Albany. 

   

  ------------------------------------------------------------------

  And just like that, after a nice afternoon drive around this godforsaken town, I feel better.  I saw six cops, countless brobra Brads, a woman of about sixty picking her nose, and a three legged dog, with an owner who was way more haggard. It's nice to know I live in a town with people as, eclectic as this...too bad they're such evangelically declined, proselytizing, hypocritically conservative buttmunches.....But that's a story for another day.

Finally:

 Been a week since I last wrote.  It's funny how much life gets in the way of itself.  Since then, the Nuggets have played three times, I've been to one, in which we beat the Lakers by 2 points.  And I watched one last night, in which we kicked the Grizzlies butts.

  I've also been working really hard at the golf course.  So much so, that the guys out there say stuff like, "Stop working so hard Sarah, you're making the rest of us look like lazy assholes."  Too bad they are just assholes...

  I should put a sign by my tip jar that says, "$1 for every time you want to oogle me, $5 for every time you undress me with your mind."  I'd make bank.  Some guy thinks I'm his wife....and I've never met him before...while another guy, who must be 65 keeps saying, "if only I was thirty years younger..." And I think to myself, Okay Bub, you'd still be 35 and so that's still not going to work...Drunk guys have no class...well MOST guys in general have no class.  They are so obvious when they stare at my lack-of-chest.  It's even worse when I know my back is turned as I am pouring them a beer, I know they are staring at my butt...And I can almost hear what they're thinking, "Mmmm girl, wooo, the things I would do to you if I wasn't married, had two kids and a mortgage...oh man, I hope she doesn't notice I'm staring at her boobs...Oh god uh, say something about her hair..."

  But today, one man, ironically about 35, said I should be a model.  He was so sincere about it, that it made my day. He was quiet and not drunk.  And I haven't had a compliment like that on the golf course, ever.  Because I'm pretty sure I have a blowup sex-doll face and couldn't be a model for anything but porn magazines, but he meant well.  And people say guys in Mercedes are assholes, but he's been the nicest man out at the golf course.

   It all makes me want to write a book about the adventures I have in the snack bar, maybe...

   Life's funny, I guess. 

  

On Repeat:

  I wish I had an original thought in my head.  Action Action's Paper Cliche is on repeat.....I want to hurt you but I just can't cut you fast enough.  Half of me is bliss, the other half is meaningless.
  Today's weather is self loathing and restless.  Chances of anxiety are immanent.
  Two steps forward, one step back.  My life's on repeat.
  Tonight's the Nugget's game I've been so amped to see.  And at this very second it seems so far away.  I'm glad to be out of the Spring's tonight.  I'm glad I can get out.  Because this devil town is sucking me, sucking me, down.  Pictures will be up tomorrow.  Sorry I've been slacking.  I'm just a silly slacker, I guess.  So says my family- "A thorough disappointment."  Reminder to self: Always refer to this when ego gets boosted even one iota above low.  

  On a higher note......well, that will come tomorrow too.

Today:

Starbucks
Wind
Surprise, no work
Clash of the Titans
More wind
Full gas tank
Deadliest Catch
Dark clouds and wind

But a good day nonetheless.

Too Loud, Bullet Train:

   It's been a while since my last blog, and I know I said things would be back to normal around the Mimzeeum, but life's been getting in the way.  I started my summer jobs that don't pay, I've been searching for better, but it's not there...I live in a devil town.  And I've grown tired of holding this pose, but the sound of loneliness makes me happier. But what makes me happiest is waking up and knowing I am really no one.
   I wanted this blog to be magnanimous and read by tons of people.  And I'm thankful it's read at all.  Because my thoughts come from a well full of whiskey, dried up by straight edge tendencies.
   And I am nothing special at the end of every day... I don't subscribe to any label known to man.  I am a wandering lost soul... I'm looking for that happiness.  I can see traces of it floating on the breeze.  But I have to collapse to calm down.  Because my head is a heavy marionette, I'm worried I won't amount to anything.  I'm worried my dreams are too lofty, and that I'll end up giving up on this because no one will read, or I'll lose where I get my inspiration.
   Time is something vague, and it slips through my fingers like a thousand pieces of sand.  It's already April, and I see the Nuggets play the Lakers this Thursday.  This is the month I go East Coast Style for a few days and learn the air out there.  I'm so scared of the roaring aluminum tube death machine that weighs 40 tons and flies 40,000 feet in the air.
  But the wings will catch the sunlight over a cold Chicago sky. And my thoughts of New York are coming closer.
   There's a dream in my brain that just won't go away. And it's like the fault lines crossing the soil.  The future is so far away, and when it's in reach, it goes by so fast.  There's a reason its called the Past.  And the time now, in the seconds reading this, is like a gift.  That's why they call it the Present.  But I'm not giving you anything.  You're the ones giving me a purpose today.  Writing this here.  Blogging.  God I hope it never ends.  I hope it's worth you're time.
   I hope days and months and years from now, people will be talking about mimzee.  It seems too good to happen.  All of my dreams.  New York, here I come.  Maybe I'll find dreams and memories there worth bringing back to my landlocked blues. It's all so far away...
 

And the future hangs over our heads