If I don't breathe my world is blue.
If I don't cry it's bottled
If I can't say the things I need to,
It's because my lips are locked.
These are the last days of mimzee. Something bigger is coming. Because it's cutting right through me. Like glass, knives, bullets and words. Better. And the science behind it is living positive and true.
Just be patient.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Om Nashi Me:
Oh infinite. And the trumpets will sound. Shakers and tambourines. J'ai guru. Om. Nashi. Nakedness. Leaders and Earthquakers. Deva. Me.
I won't say that you gloating about your fantastical and oh so wonderful life. Because you are.
And all the words in the world will not save me. Because only the intangible is tangible. Om. Nashi. Que.
And I will make the words up that must come. Only then will they mean anything. Quelqu'un m'a dit.
I won't say that you gloating about your fantastical and oh so wonderful life. Because you are.
And all the words in the world will not save me. Because only the intangible is tangible. Om. Nashi. Que.
And I will make the words up that must come. Only then will they mean anything. Quelqu'un m'a dit.
.
I am a whisper. But my mind is screaming.
I am nothing.
And it is all happening.
I will get out of here before long.
They say I should sing and learn piano. Languages and travel. Ma vie. Om. Oh infinite nakedness and soulful woe. I may end this blog. ....And cry out my days. And the tears will feed nations. J'ai nashi quelqu'un m'a dit.
Monday, November 1, 2010
If There's Anything to Say:
So perfectly right, it was.
Are we lost without each other? Or do we wander lost together?
And his most perfect response was, "Are you a nomad, and me a vagabond?" And it was this. In a moment unrelated and yet, totally encompassing what an epiphany truly is. I imagine his dark hair. And how he bites his lip and looks at me like he knows something I don't. Please remember me. Happily.
If you had a part of me, would you take your time?
I have called you children, back from the hills, because I will return you to your door steps, even if it kills me, my fight is your fight. Like a shepherd. My words are my hope and I cannot deny my heart this. I realize, I blog for myself yes. But I write, write and wrap us in words, in hopes that my struggles and thoughts will carry others and help those back on their feet.
I'll do anything for you. I'll do anything for you. For him. For you. For the future of our sanities combined and comprised of this struggle we call life. It's all happening and we are together. What is there to answer if I am the only one?
For so long I thought I was missing pieces. And I am. But I readily gave them away, they were not taken unwillingly. Millions of little pieces of me for others. People needed those pieces more than me, and I'm glad I could give myself away. I can mend and grow. I can send more and chase trains, watch colored birds, and breathe. Because there is so much to look forward to, even if it is not at all what I foresaw or wanted. It's my fight. Because I can fight it best and not give in. Because I am strong enough. I am. And you are too.
If there's anything to say, or do. I'll do anything for you. My summer skin is shed. I wear my mourning dress no more. The trapeze wire in my mind is higher. And there's no net to catch. Only words. Only souls. And we are okay.
Are we lost without each other? Or do we wander lost together?
And his most perfect response was, "Are you a nomad, and me a vagabond?" And it was this. In a moment unrelated and yet, totally encompassing what an epiphany truly is. I imagine his dark hair. And how he bites his lip and looks at me like he knows something I don't. Please remember me. Happily.
If you had a part of me, would you take your time?
I have called you children, back from the hills, because I will return you to your door steps, even if it kills me, my fight is your fight. Like a shepherd. My words are my hope and I cannot deny my heart this. I realize, I blog for myself yes. But I write, write and wrap us in words, in hopes that my struggles and thoughts will carry others and help those back on their feet.
I'll do anything for you. I'll do anything for you. For him. For you. For the future of our sanities combined and comprised of this struggle we call life. It's all happening and we are together. What is there to answer if I am the only one?
For so long I thought I was missing pieces. And I am. But I readily gave them away, they were not taken unwillingly. Millions of little pieces of me for others. People needed those pieces more than me, and I'm glad I could give myself away. I can mend and grow. I can send more and chase trains, watch colored birds, and breathe. Because there is so much to look forward to, even if it is not at all what I foresaw or wanted. It's my fight. Because I can fight it best and not give in. Because I am strong enough. I am. And you are too.
If there's anything to say, or do. I'll do anything for you. My summer skin is shed. I wear my mourning dress no more. The trapeze wire in my mind is higher. And there's no net to catch. Only words. Only souls. And we are okay.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Taking a Break:
Until I have something positive to write for you, I won't be writing. Be safe my dears. Fight your good fight. Breathe and live. We'll get through this.
I'll be back on when I'm positive.
I'll be back on when I'm positive.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Dueces:
Tonight, my body will burn. Because this is the stake with which I'm tied. I hate this life.
Anxiety moved in. I'm just it's housekeeper.
And now all I want is to leave, and be in New York more than ever. Blogging and taking pictures and living like I should be. But it won't come, because it's not the right time. Because I'm not living. But I'm not dead. Purgatory. Eternal. Dearest New York, forgive me. I'm missing you so. But I write you this letter from limbo. And I don't know how to get out. Which fight is the good fight? What the hell am I doing? And where the fuck am I in this grand scheme? If this is living? Hell can't be at all bad. A vacation spot compared. And All the while, I pretend pretend pretend. Like a stupid little girl.
The devil and god are raging inside me, and I don't know where to draw my sword or when to give in. I'm losing a ridiculous fight. I'll dig a grave for the life I'll never have. My dream.
One day I'll breathe again. But smile, that may never come back. Really.
Anxiety moved in. I'm just it's housekeeper.
And now all I want is to leave, and be in New York more than ever. Blogging and taking pictures and living like I should be. But it won't come, because it's not the right time. Because I'm not living. But I'm not dead. Purgatory. Eternal. Dearest New York, forgive me. I'm missing you so. But I write you this letter from limbo. And I don't know how to get out. Which fight is the good fight? What the hell am I doing? And where the fuck am I in this grand scheme? If this is living? Hell can't be at all bad. A vacation spot compared. And All the while, I pretend pretend pretend. Like a stupid little girl.
The devil and god are raging inside me, and I don't know where to draw my sword or when to give in. I'm losing a ridiculous fight. I'll dig a grave for the life I'll never have. My dream.
One day I'll breathe again. But smile, that may never come back. Really.
Friday, October 29, 2010
X Marks:
The spots where I've been erased and taken. A million little shards of glass. Like stars punctuating my life. A chandelier of time and regret.
The pieces of me are fading, autumn colors, leaves and sky.
And the birds are flying more South than me. It's so cold. I am not this. I am not me. I am. What the hell am I doing? Besides hating hating and crying and trying.
It cannot be that. I have much much more muchiness to give back.
I was not made for this era. But maybe decades ago. I am not capable of this task, of this life such as it is today. I need to change this low low low. I say through smiles and falsetto tears, I'm Okay....But....No one knows, no nothing. And thinking is assuming is making and ass of u and me. Insomnia meets deadlines blends into days. When was the last time I slept?
I need out. This is not not not knot what I am made for. Knots in my heart and soul. Anxiety out my eyes. And I spend my nights in tears and sighs.
But she's so pretty, in her little white socks that go up to her knees. Wednesday came when Sunday woke, and she's here for me when things are tricky. She curls and wraps into my lap. A blanket of purr and whiskers. She knows everything and will not speak my secrets. She holds them in her chest with that rattles that makes her purr. She doesn't care that I am a crystal-less chandelier. She does not mind that I am broken. She accepts it and rescued me. And she is my heart.
The pieces of me are fading, autumn colors, leaves and sky.
And the birds are flying more South than me. It's so cold. I am not this. I am not me. I am. What the hell am I doing? Besides hating hating and crying and trying.
It cannot be that. I have much much more muchiness to give back.
I was not made for this era. But maybe decades ago. I am not capable of this task, of this life such as it is today. I need to change this low low low. I say through smiles and falsetto tears, I'm Okay....But....No one knows, no nothing. And thinking is assuming is making and ass of u and me. Insomnia meets deadlines blends into days. When was the last time I slept?
I need out. This is not not not knot what I am made for. Knots in my heart and soul. Anxiety out my eyes. And I spend my nights in tears and sighs.
But she's so pretty, in her little white socks that go up to her knees. Wednesday came when Sunday woke, and she's here for me when things are tricky. She curls and wraps into my lap. A blanket of purr and whiskers. She knows everything and will not speak my secrets. She holds them in her chest with that rattles that makes her purr. She doesn't care that I am a crystal-less chandelier. She does not mind that I am broken. She accepts it and rescued me. And she is my heart.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Talent:
Girls: want to know if that guy you're dating is a douchebag? It'll save you time and effort of giving pieces of yourself to the wrong guy! Countless hours have been wasted crying over these dickfaces, and I, for one, am so done with dealing with them. When it comes to dating guys, let alone hanging out with them, I am overly talented and experienced in tracking the worst ones down. I pick them out of crowds all the time. Seriously. It's like radar.
I have years of experience, and even in the South, I find them fast. And together, we can make sure you're not wasting your time on assholes with cool names, clever lines, pretty eyelashes, lovely kisses or the emotional fuckwitage that is only bringing you down from something better.
And boys: Ha. good luck. Don't let the towel smack you on the ass on your way out.
I have years of experience, and even in the South, I find them fast. And together, we can make sure you're not wasting your time on assholes with cool names, clever lines, pretty eyelashes, lovely kisses or the emotional fuckwitage that is only bringing you down from something better.
And boys: Ha. good luck. Don't let the towel smack you on the ass on your way out.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Ze Day After:
After I momentarily lost my marbles, and reread my last post, I must clarify a few things.
1.) I don't love myself, but I am fine with who I am, most days. Which is statistically good enough.
2.) I have felt this way for years. I am not about to change over night to be a people pleaser.
3.) If you don't like it, sorry.
THIS IS WHO I AM!!!!!!!!
I am small and mouthy. I am sarcastic and dark. I am overwhelmingly hard on myself, but it keeps me humble and conscientious. I'm not a bad person, even if you get the idea I may be. I am my own worst enemy and that's it.
I DO BELIEVE IN LOVE!!!! I really do, but do I think there is a guy out there who understands me and isn't afraid to stand up for me or sit still with me for decades? notsomuch. I'd love to be way wrong about this though. Being wrong can be the most fun.
For now, I'm 23. I don't have the answers.
1.) I don't love myself, but I am fine with who I am, most days. Which is statistically good enough.
2.) I have felt this way for years. I am not about to change over night to be a people pleaser.
3.) If you don't like it, sorry.
THIS IS WHO I AM!!!!!!!!
I am small and mouthy. I am sarcastic and dark. I am overwhelmingly hard on myself, but it keeps me humble and conscientious. I'm not a bad person, even if you get the idea I may be. I am my own worst enemy and that's it.
I DO BELIEVE IN LOVE!!!! I really do, but do I think there is a guy out there who understands me and isn't afraid to stand up for me or sit still with me for decades? notsomuch. I'd love to be way wrong about this though. Being wrong can be the most fun.
For now, I'm 23. I don't have the answers.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Just as Much:
Because who would want me like this?
Love was not made for me. Things won't change, because I'm so set in my ways and they are ugly. Different. Brooding. Forward and locked away. How is this attractive? Easy.It's.Not.
I'm not apt to change, or find someone to stand still with me and not be frustrated or mad with me. If there was a god, they wouldn't have made me like this. Genuinely Broken. I'm just sick of coming up short and realizing I'm not even all the way out of the water when I try and take a breath in.
It's for the best though. Waking up, day after day, fully knowing I'm painfully awkward and sharp. Like a piece of glass. And seasons change, years go by, and I am always alone. I will never wake up to something different, and this is me saying, I am growing okay with this. I hate people anyway. Why let them in?
Friday, October 15, 2010
Quiet!:
Pressing me like buttons. A doll with dust on her head. I am inanimate. I am. And I gently watch them. Like Pixar. My life is a movie. And they don't even notice, but I'm noticing. If only it were quiet I could hear better.
I woke up to something new. Happiness. Only know, it's fleeting, but for now it's here. Like a spider on my wall. At least it loves me for today.
Because things change. People and time and seasons.
And I'm in a chrysalis.
I woke up to something new. Happiness. Only know, it's fleeting, but for now it's here. Like a spider on my wall. At least it loves me for today.
Because things change. People and time and seasons.
And I'm in a chrysalis.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I am Everything I am Not:
Can you fall in love. in love. with things you may never touch? Rattle. Shake.Boom. Same old Same old. The world is burning. Up from the ceiling. And I am a robot.
I drove to work with the pigments of anxiety smearing the early morning sky. Will I ever wake up to something different? Like children finger-painting onto the floor boards. Making a mess of everything I wish I was.
But I'm going to live for those tiny moments. When life is clear and calm. Because living for the future means I'm missing the precious pieces of now. A million little ones that determine tomorrow.
I appreciate the over. and over. Not the routine. I am your stunt girl. My heart is your scribble. Erase Erase, try again.
One day, it'll come.
But I'm working on my tomorrow.
The praying mantises and cockroaches know I'm working on it. This much.
And the armadillos die, resting assure it'll come, because surely it always does.
I drove to work with the pigments of anxiety smearing the early morning sky. Will I ever wake up to something different? Like children finger-painting onto the floor boards. Making a mess of everything I wish I was.
But I'm going to live for those tiny moments. When life is clear and calm. Because living for the future means I'm missing the precious pieces of now. A million little ones that determine tomorrow.
I appreciate the over. and over. Not the routine. I am your stunt girl. My heart is your scribble. Erase Erase, try again.
One day, it'll come.
But I'm working on my tomorrow.
The praying mantises and cockroaches know I'm working on it. This much.
And the armadillos die, resting assure it'll come, because surely it always does.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Know, No, No:
I love you.
And I love you forever.
And I'm loving you now.
Andyoudon'tevenknow.
Reality is just.........I don't have the words.
And I love you forever.
And I'm loving you now.
Andyoudon'tevenknow.
Reality is just.........I don't have the words.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Product Placement:
Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte: yes, please.
Urban Outfitters: can I be a model?
Coach: soon those Stefanie heels will be mine.
Dior: Miss Dior Cherie
It's Kind of a Funny Story.
Margot and the Nuclear So and So's.
Facebook.
Twitter.
Hewlett Packard.
I love my job. I love IT. I just wish I knew how it worked better.
Today I won't be talking in code. Even though that's how it is in my head every second of every day and night, no lies, I dream in broken sentence structure and emotional prose. I have an incredibly hard time writing up a proper paper anymore. Because most of the time, I have to really sit and think about verb and subject agreement, punctuation, and paper tense. When even in my own mind, that's not how I work. I'm choppy and broken. Little and short. Bits and pieces of a collection of chaos blended with emotion and love. Or pain. Or confusion and anger. That's life. Right? And Starbucks and Facebook keep us connected and awake. Movies and music give us something to experience, and designer perfume keeps us smelling fresh and flirty. Even when no one has any desire to flirt with a crazy.tiny.music.obsessed.nerdy.girl.
Light hearted and breezy. Today was okay. Even with anxiety and a cold. I'm moving forward. Slowly. But Steady.
Urban Outfitters: can I be a model?
Coach: soon those Stefanie heels will be mine.
Dior: Miss Dior Cherie
It's Kind of a Funny Story.
Margot and the Nuclear So and So's.
Facebook.
Twitter.
Hewlett Packard.
I love my job. I love IT. I just wish I knew how it worked better.
Today I won't be talking in code. Even though that's how it is in my head every second of every day and night, no lies, I dream in broken sentence structure and emotional prose. I have an incredibly hard time writing up a proper paper anymore. Because most of the time, I have to really sit and think about verb and subject agreement, punctuation, and paper tense. When even in my own mind, that's not how I work. I'm choppy and broken. Little and short. Bits and pieces of a collection of chaos blended with emotion and love. Or pain. Or confusion and anger. That's life. Right? And Starbucks and Facebook keep us connected and awake. Movies and music give us something to experience, and designer perfume keeps us smelling fresh and flirty. Even when no one has any desire to flirt with a crazy.tiny.music.obsessed.nerdy.girl.
Light hearted and breezy. Today was okay. Even with anxiety and a cold. I'm moving forward. Slowly. But Steady.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Uncover, Undercover:
Here, sweet thing, have a riddle.
Take four parts of original whole honest emotion mixed with four parts not interested. Add a dash of loathing and anxiety. Crack open some ribs and add a smidgen of sexual tension. What do you get?
Let me tell you, children.
The answer is one trash-filled bittersweet not-even-fair story of real.
What's worse, is my heart is hanging from a thread. And the ends are fraying. (And I'm not the only girl who knows this, and you're not the only boy running with scissors. We are two of four I know for sure.)
Do me a favor, burn out before I wake. Save me the restless lifetime of what if. Or fall through bombs of trust and an infrastructure only you built. Come out come out, I say. And be real for me. For just this. I promise, I'd shine.
Youwantme, ordoyounot? I can't play today. You win. You always win, because my ace of hearts is in your hands asshole. And darling, I'm lost. In a deck you hold.
Bake it in cakes for me. And feed me these lines, with spoons you don't clean.
Take four parts of original whole honest emotion mixed with four parts not interested. Add a dash of loathing and anxiety. Crack open some ribs and add a smidgen of sexual tension. What do you get?
Let me tell you, children.
The answer is one trash-filled bittersweet not-even-fair story of real.
What's worse, is my heart is hanging from a thread. And the ends are fraying. (And I'm not the only girl who knows this, and you're not the only boy running with scissors. We are two of four I know for sure.)
Do me a favor, burn out before I wake. Save me the restless lifetime of what if. Or fall through bombs of trust and an infrastructure only you built. Come out come out, I say. And be real for me. For just this. I promise, I'd shine.
Youwantme, ordoyounot? I can't play today. You win. You always win, because my ace of hearts is in your hands asshole. And darling, I'm lost. In a deck you hold.
Bake it in cakes for me. And feed me these lines, with spoons you don't clean.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Hot Mess:
Children, my head is going to explode. Don't look at my that way. And this girl is getting sick, off allergies and loneliness. I'm drowning. And I cry almost every night. My chest can't rise and fall. My lungs can't take it in. Because the weight of it all is holding me down like cement shoes in a river. Heavy heavy boots. Size 5 1/2. Disguised as ballet flats in sequin black or shiny gold.
And I'm wasted. The NyQuil, I can still taste it. Please take this flu. I hate medicine. I hate. I hate. So full of it. I am so sick. Of myself.
I want outer space. I want a new obsession. I can't move forward. Stuck like bricks in a forgotten wall. I've imploded like a nova. It's like pouring kerosine on a fire. Burn. Bum Bump. Bum Bump. I'm never the one I was in life. I've said it before. I've been here before. I'm always here still.
Nothing is going to work right. I've lost my head. Because how can I explode and implode at the same time? Easy. Only I could. Because only I am that wrong and broken and stuck.
And I wish I could breath myself invisible.
Fact: My blood is lighter fluid, and my heart is a machine. My thoughts are the oil that make me willing. And ready to go.scream.cry.choke.back.hold.it.in.be.be.be.
I am the most perfect mess of things. Tangles of strings and noises and very little color.
And I hope no one reads into this. Because you won't get it.
And I'm wasted. The NyQuil, I can still taste it. Please take this flu. I hate medicine. I hate. I hate. So full of it. I am so sick. Of myself.
I want outer space. I want a new obsession. I can't move forward. Stuck like bricks in a forgotten wall. I've imploded like a nova. It's like pouring kerosine on a fire. Burn. Bum Bump. Bum Bump. I'm never the one I was in life. I've said it before. I've been here before. I'm always here still.
Nothing is going to work right. I've lost my head. Because how can I explode and implode at the same time? Easy. Only I could. Because only I am that wrong and broken and stuck.
And I wish I could breath myself invisible.
Fact: My blood is lighter fluid, and my heart is a machine. My thoughts are the oil that make me willing. And ready to go.scream.cry.choke.back.hold.it.in.be.be.be.
I am the most perfect mess of things. Tangles of strings and noises and very little color.
And I hope no one reads into this. Because you won't get it.
......I feel everything.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
You're Everything:
I don't know you. But I dream. About you. About your heartbeat and hands.
I'm sorry I'm not more. Muchier. I'm sorry I'm incredibly small and extremely timid. I can't talk to you the way I wanted to. It's the way the world moves. It makes me heavy and I'm not made if these things that real people are made of. I'm made up and comprised of bits and strings. Buttons and rocks. I'm dense.
Is this even living? The way the veins tangle and make it up. Short circuited and flash banged into this thing called me. Truth and dreaming. Darling, I'm sorry that I'm not the way you dreamed. But you're my every fiber and thought. And it can be mistaken for loathing but one day, maybe, we'll meet. And maybe I'll be something more.
The ocean is bleeding salt. And the air smells like home before it snows. I've got a dollar in coin, and nothing to my name. Worse. Woe. Worn. A hundred thousand times.
Can I keep you? Please come. I owe you everything.
Lost.
Spinning.
I saw another shooting star, and it made me think of you.
It's just the headlights, man.
I hear your voice in my head. It sure feels nice on my brain. Calm. Comfort. Quiet.
I never had the blues. Like this. Muchier. Incredibly loud.
A hundred thousand times, I'm sorry I'm not more.
Like a crooked tree. Strange. Ripples in my hair.
I heard you whispering. You're Everything.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Something Delicate:
Piano. Drums. His voice. Sunk into the notes like the covers on his bed. I'm dreaming.
There are moments when, I know that I must be losing my mind. When I feel so small and the fear creeps in. And all I want is for some imaginary guy to swoop in, with his beard and hair bun, and sing me lullabies. Something real. Something in the way he will move. In the way his voice will wrap around each word. Loud and right on key. Or sweet and delicate, that cradles me with notes and rocks me gently into oblivion. And I'll never have to wake up. He'll play until my anxiety leaves the room. Until I'm still. His voice will cut through the fear like knives. And I'll make him into reality with how detailed I could be. Grey suits and Italian boots. Vagabond. Urban Outfitters tee shirts. Indie. Indie. Indie. Hippie. Hair peace. And I'll be his Hippie Hippie Princess. I'll never be the one I was in life.
But he isn't tangible. And the sun comes up, and I'm alone. And I'll die alone.
I blame myself. Keep myself so guarded. Like towers not walls. Impenetrable anymore.
*
*
*
*
Gone with the wind. I'm gone. But my feet aren't on the ground. And he'll spin me. Tangles in each others eyes, like veins. Vena Cava. I'm blue and he's red. Beat like hearts on the rib cage, a keyboard of real. I've got the concept. Bum Bump, bum bump. I'll live in my head.
Keep romance alive, what's that about?
Dream Dream Dream. Like Everly. But current. All I do is dream.
I'm so see through.
I jokingly wrote a personal ad as my twitter tweet the other day. No one has responded, obviously. Because the guy that I want is only in my head.
There are moments when, I know that I must be losing my mind. When I feel so small and the fear creeps in. And all I want is for some imaginary guy to swoop in, with his beard and hair bun, and sing me lullabies. Something real. Something in the way he will move. In the way his voice will wrap around each word. Loud and right on key. Or sweet and delicate, that cradles me with notes and rocks me gently into oblivion. And I'll never have to wake up. He'll play until my anxiety leaves the room. Until I'm still. His voice will cut through the fear like knives. And I'll make him into reality with how detailed I could be. Grey suits and Italian boots. Vagabond. Urban Outfitters tee shirts. Indie. Indie. Indie. Hippie. Hair peace. And I'll be his Hippie Hippie Princess. I'll never be the one I was in life.
But he isn't tangible. And the sun comes up, and I'm alone. And I'll die alone.
I blame myself. Keep myself so guarded. Like towers not walls. Impenetrable anymore.
*
*
*
*
Gone with the wind. I'm gone. But my feet aren't on the ground. And he'll spin me. Tangles in each others eyes, like veins. Vena Cava. I'm blue and he's red. Beat like hearts on the rib cage, a keyboard of real. I've got the concept. Bum Bump, bum bump. I'll live in my head.
Keep romance alive, what's that about?
Dream Dream Dream. Like Everly. But current. All I do is dream.
I'm so see through.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
For Awhile:
Soon after I fell off the face of the earth, I woke up here. With an idea and a dream. Barely breathing, but surviving. I tell tales tall as cliffs. But they're real to me.
I can't talk to you the way I wanted to. But I'll lead a new song. A precession of tambourines and pianos. Claps. And guitar. It ain't worth lifting voice without guitar. Acoustic.
* * * * *
And I dream of boys with beards and hair buns. In suits and sweater vests, with Pumas and boots. Darling, he'll call me. We should be leaving. Tonight. Stars are calling like matchstick dreams. And I'll fall away into the night sky. We won't have no where to be. Just telling life. Holding hands.
Darling I'm tired. We'll sing in a gypsy indie band with shakers and hair peace. With black hats and pea coats. and sleep curled in each other. Tangles.
Our precession will lead us into the night skies. And we will be as tall as cliffs, tired and tangled. But real.
I can't talk to you the way I wanted to. But I'll lead a new song. A precession of tambourines and pianos. Claps. And guitar. It ain't worth lifting voice without guitar. Acoustic.
* * * * *
And I dream of boys with beards and hair buns. In suits and sweater vests, with Pumas and boots. Darling, he'll call me. We should be leaving. Tonight. Stars are calling like matchstick dreams. And I'll fall away into the night sky. We won't have no where to be. Just telling life. Holding hands.
Darling I'm tired. We'll sing in a gypsy indie band with shakers and hair peace. With black hats and pea coats. and sleep curled in each other. Tangles.
Our precession will lead us into the night skies. And we will be as tall as cliffs, tired and tangled. But real.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
"We Are in the in Between:"
Existential. Everything is nothing and I'm sunk inside. Sprawled across the thoughts that consume me. Vulnerable. Walking on the edge of the blade that killed me. My emotions. Dead like trees. But not. Because I feel everything. When the sun rises red red rose and I am alone with only my stupid thoughts and they all revolve around you. And you're keeping it all going. Me. This delicate balance of acting and masking and hiding. But you know me better than anyone. And you know what lies beneath my skin. Crack my ribs wide away. Expose. Expose the red red heart because it's yours and it always was. But you'll never notice. Because you're too far gone.
This problem's gonna last, more than you'll ever see. I'll divide into a million little pieces. Because my dark has consumed me, body and soul.
And I know this seems so much like lies. Like a story made up by my fingertips. But I couldn't write unless it were true. And your lips are softer still. And how I laid in your bed at 3 in the morning because I had no home. But your arms.
My ship has gone down in sight of land. And I know you're coming in the night like a dream. Because sleep is the only time you're mine.
Dear Boy:
The faith in your eyes, and me in your hands, that night in the dark quiet, was the most my life ever meant.
But now I am the most perfect insomniac. My heart is a machine.
This problem's gonna last, more than you'll ever see. I'll divide into a million little pieces. Because my dark has consumed me, body and soul.
And I know this seems so much like lies. Like a story made up by my fingertips. But I couldn't write unless it were true. And your lips are softer still. And how I laid in your bed at 3 in the morning because I had no home. But your arms.
My ship has gone down in sight of land. And I know you're coming in the night like a dream. Because sleep is the only time you're mine.
Dear Boy:
The faith in your eyes, and me in your hands, that night in the dark quiet, was the most my life ever meant.
But now I am the most perfect insomniac. My heart is a machine.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Give Us a Talking To:
I'm living in a den of thieves. But they don't steal possessions just glances. I'm the odd girl out. I am the one with an accent. I get told I don't even look like I am from here because of how I dress. This is what living is. This is life. This is the South. And I'm rummaging for answers in my sleep. Because I haven't met anyone I can relate to.
Because like I told Kaiti, we're two owls from the same tree and no one even knows where it sits in the forest.
But I'm not even trying to complain. Because it's Heaven here compared to Colorado. It's breathing and it's moving and it's contagious. And I'm in love with the South, with Little Rock-she's got me high and I didn't even know it.
I start work on Monday. And I'm ready, I am. I'm ready to wow people. Because as of today, I'm just the ghost in apartment 1204.
I Just wanted to say hey. I'm alive. And busy. But I'm here and the adventure is beginning.
Because like I told Kaiti, we're two owls from the same tree and no one even knows where it sits in the forest.
But I'm not even trying to complain. Because it's Heaven here compared to Colorado. It's breathing and it's moving and it's contagious. And I'm in love with the South, with Little Rock-she's got me high and I didn't even know it.
I start work on Monday. And I'm ready, I am. I'm ready to wow people. Because as of today, I'm just the ghost in apartment 1204.
I Just wanted to say hey. I'm alive. And busy. But I'm here and the adventure is beginning.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Nothing Feels:
Like home.
I've got my car and my stuff. I've got the road and the idea of what will be. I move like the Moon. I'm crumpled under the weight of my insecurities. If I stumble, they're gonna eat me alive. And my heart beats harder than a sonic boom trapped in a cage made of fragile bones. My pulse is out of control.
My blood is still flowing, and I keep breathing and waking each day. But I don't know what for. The Unknown is creeping. And it gets black, the edges of my vision.
If this is excitement, then what is fear like?
I should be packing and cleaning but it's physically and emotionally draining. Like I'm at an impasse. I tremble and quake. My fingers move faster than my eyes and I have to keep correcting the spelling. I'm ready don't get me wrong. I'm glad for this move. I'm excited more than I can express. But the fear is also there. And it grows more each day and I'm scared of growing up. Where's Peter Pan when you need him?
I'm on my own now. And it's like a requiem for my thoughts. A song for the dead. This isn't what I expected but took it because I need out of Colorado. I need to go and be an adult. For how long before my dreams come true though? I never dreamt about Little Rock until I got the job. I never thought about it. And now this place consumes my soul like a flame does tinder. I'm nothing but life's little pawn.
I love the change, but it's daunting. I always thought I'd find myself in New York. And now, that's just a memory. I'm desperate for it's voice. I thought I'd find a rich man and marry him, make babies and mother them right.
But this is not how it's going. And I'm okay with it. Most days. I've never had ambition. I've never wanted anything out of life except to be left alone. And it's changed. Because now that I'm leaving, I'm clinging onto memories and friends more than ever. I'm tired of being all alone. I want this job. I want this move. Arkansas, I'm yours.
Call me crazy for moving to the South. Call me whatever you already do. Bitch. Crazy. Fake. Flake. Whatever you already thought of me, continue that. Because I don't give a shit anymore. I'm moving away from this soul-sucking town. That's all that matters. Because my true friends will visit. Kaiti will come. And so will Lauren. And the negative feeling I get here, will be gone. Because I'm going to Little Rock with a positive attitude. With ambition and dreams. New dreams. Modified ones.
I've got my car and my stuff. I've got the road and the idea of what will be. I move like the Moon. I'm crumpled under the weight of my insecurities. If I stumble, they're gonna eat me alive. And my heart beats harder than a sonic boom trapped in a cage made of fragile bones. My pulse is out of control.
My blood is still flowing, and I keep breathing and waking each day. But I don't know what for. The Unknown is creeping. And it gets black, the edges of my vision.
If this is excitement, then what is fear like?
I should be packing and cleaning but it's physically and emotionally draining. Like I'm at an impasse. I tremble and quake. My fingers move faster than my eyes and I have to keep correcting the spelling. I'm ready don't get me wrong. I'm glad for this move. I'm excited more than I can express. But the fear is also there. And it grows more each day and I'm scared of growing up. Where's Peter Pan when you need him?
I'm on my own now. And it's like a requiem for my thoughts. A song for the dead. This isn't what I expected but took it because I need out of Colorado. I need to go and be an adult. For how long before my dreams come true though? I never dreamt about Little Rock until I got the job. I never thought about it. And now this place consumes my soul like a flame does tinder. I'm nothing but life's little pawn.
I love the change, but it's daunting. I always thought I'd find myself in New York. And now, that's just a memory. I'm desperate for it's voice. I thought I'd find a rich man and marry him, make babies and mother them right.
But this is not how it's going. And I'm okay with it. Most days. I've never had ambition. I've never wanted anything out of life except to be left alone. And it's changed. Because now that I'm leaving, I'm clinging onto memories and friends more than ever. I'm tired of being all alone. I want this job. I want this move. Arkansas, I'm yours.
Call me crazy for moving to the South. Call me whatever you already do. Bitch. Crazy. Fake. Flake. Whatever you already thought of me, continue that. Because I don't give a shit anymore. I'm moving away from this soul-sucking town. That's all that matters. Because my true friends will visit. Kaiti will come. And so will Lauren. And the negative feeling I get here, will be gone. Because I'm going to Little Rock with a positive attitude. With ambition and dreams. New dreams. Modified ones.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Home:
In one week I'll be an Arkansas darling. Sassy and classy, with eyes wide and so much at my feet. Ain't nothin' pleases me more than knowing the stress I'm under today will not be here then. I have to get used to terms like "ya'll" and "howdy." Southern drawl, walking tall, anything but this spinning.
Ally ways and flat lands. I got a lot to learn.
Home is not here now. I have a 2 bed/2 bath waiting for me.
It's sinking in that this is it. I'm already lost without Kaiti and Lauren. I'm spinning into nothingness, only to be spit out in Little Rock. With each day I'm more terrified of the unknown and my eyes water at the daunting uphill climb it will be cleaning out my damn room.
I have so much to do that this may very well be my last post until I get there. I'm sorry friends for the inconvenience. I got a lot going. Clearly. Moving 948.86 miles SOUTHEAST-ISH.
As of this second I'm stalling my room cleaning. I'm stalling and halting because I'm overwhelmed. I'm spinning so fast I want to throw up. This ain't no kiddie ride. Mockingbirds are waiting. But I'm crying. My eyes have been so swollen and blotchy all day. It's settling into reality now. It's making me anxious. It's uprooting my comfort level and replanting everything I know far far away.
.......fuck.......
Ally ways and flat lands. I got a lot to learn.
Home is not here now. I have a 2 bed/2 bath waiting for me.
It's sinking in that this is it. I'm already lost without Kaiti and Lauren. I'm spinning into nothingness, only to be spit out in Little Rock. With each day I'm more terrified of the unknown and my eyes water at the daunting uphill climb it will be cleaning out my damn room.
I have so much to do that this may very well be my last post until I get there. I'm sorry friends for the inconvenience. I got a lot going. Clearly. Moving 948.86 miles SOUTHEAST-ISH.
As of this second I'm stalling my room cleaning. I'm stalling and halting because I'm overwhelmed. I'm spinning so fast I want to throw up. This ain't no kiddie ride. Mockingbirds are waiting. But I'm crying. My eyes have been so swollen and blotchy all day. It's settling into reality now. It's making me anxious. It's uprooting my comfort level and replanting everything I know far far away.
.......fuck.......
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Absolution on Center Street:
Today I met a man who washes windows for a living. He had no socks in his shoes. He's had a hard life. And when he asked me if I was a religious person, I did not lie, when I shook my head no. He was defeated, looking for an absolution. I did not lie when I told him, we all fall on hard times. I told him what is laid in front of us, is our own battle, that we are chosen for such hardships because we can handle them, they are ours to bear. And we are strong enough to make it, because it was ours always. I told him that although I do not believe in a god, I believe that we must have faith in ourselves. Always. To which he smiled. He said for a nonreligious person, I was very spiritual. And that he was happy to have met me. He said he felt lighter, and that he is ready to fight his good fight.
As I walked back to my aunt's house from Starbucks, it hit me. I saved a man from committing suicide today. And he opened my eyes to the millions of people who fight their good fight quietly. And to them, have faith in yourselves. Because you are strong, and this life is meant for you.
As I walked back to my aunt's house from Starbucks, it hit me. I saved a man from committing suicide today. And he opened my eyes to the millions of people who fight their good fight quietly. And to them, have faith in yourselves. Because you are strong, and this life is meant for you.
Friday, August 13, 2010
And Just Then:
I have many changed plans. I'm still going to Arkansas, but now my mom AND dad are driving with me and my stuff. We're hitching a trailer to my dad's truck and I'll follow with my mom in my Civic. I'm indeed getting the 2bed/2bath. AND my parents got me a 32" flat screen as a housewarming gift! I'll have TV at least!!!
I leave for Chicago on Monday for vacation, and I am so happy to see my family out there. My life is true chaos right now.
Kaiti went with me on a rigid pillow search for an antique chair I'm bringing down. It was a success. I'd say I'll put up a picture, but I'm so far lying about all those other ones.....We did find a field and have a photo shoot in it. Out near Falcon, Colorado. At sunset. So indie of us. Maybe those will make it up here...With my life in shambles, who knows.
But it's all happening. And it's exciting and new. AND I'm ready....well....sort of.
I leave for Chicago on Monday for vacation, and I am so happy to see my family out there. My life is true chaos right now.
Kaiti went with me on a rigid pillow search for an antique chair I'm bringing down. It was a success. I'd say I'll put up a picture, but I'm so far lying about all those other ones.....We did find a field and have a photo shoot in it. Out near Falcon, Colorado. At sunset. So indie of us. Maybe those will make it up here...With my life in shambles, who knows.
But it's all happening. And it's exciting and new. AND I'm ready....well....sort of.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
And These Few Moments:
I'm freaking out. I have four weeks to move. It feels like minutes away, I'm shooting for September 5th to leave, and to get there on Monday, the 6th. That is seriously a blink away.
I fell in love with these apartments, and they have no 1 bedroom/1bathroom units available. But I can afford the 2 bed/2bath....thank goodness. I still have to talk to my parents about it, but they are the most reasonable apartments I've researched. I don't want to go anywhere else.
I also have to pay my first school loan, which makes me mad that it's all happening, but I'm also proud I can afford all of this on my own and won't be too terribly pressed for cash. I have been saving saving saving like a bear ready for hibernating and I'm proud of myself.
I've just researched moving vehicles and their competition. U Haul is cheaper by over a hundred dollars. A truck and a tow dolly for my little Honda Civic, all add up to less than 750 dollars. This is also helpful, since I am not made of money. I have enough, like I said, but still.
And now, I have to go get ready for work. All of this growing up and getting the best deals really takes time! And in these few moments I've grown into a responsible adult.
If any of you have any advice on moving, please feel free to pass it along my way. As I am feeling a little bit stressed.
I fell in love with these apartments, and they have no 1 bedroom/1bathroom units available. But I can afford the 2 bed/2bath....thank goodness. I still have to talk to my parents about it, but they are the most reasonable apartments I've researched. I don't want to go anywhere else.
I also have to pay my first school loan, which makes me mad that it's all happening, but I'm also proud I can afford all of this on my own and won't be too terribly pressed for cash. I have been saving saving saving like a bear ready for hibernating and I'm proud of myself.
I've just researched moving vehicles and their competition. U Haul is cheaper by over a hundred dollars. A truck and a tow dolly for my little Honda Civic, all add up to less than 750 dollars. This is also helpful, since I am not made of money. I have enough, like I said, but still.
And now, I have to go get ready for work. All of this growing up and getting the best deals really takes time! And in these few moments I've grown into a responsible adult.
If any of you have any advice on moving, please feel free to pass it along my way. As I am feeling a little bit stressed.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Mockingbirds and Diamonds:
To familiarize myself with Arkansas, I've been trying to obtain as much information about the state, and the city of Little Rock as much as I can. For instance, the state bird is the mockingbird, which happens to be part of the title to one of my favorite books. The state gemstone is a diamond, which is a girl's best friend. And the flower is the apple blossom, and I love granny smiths more than your average bear.
It's called, "The Natural State," because it has many rivers, lakes, mountains... and tornadoes that lay waste to most of the developments. I'll be sure to keep that in mind for a fantastic future entry, "I Experienced a Tornado, and Lived to Blog About It."
Arkansas has a subtropical humid climate, so I'll be sure to have flat hydrated hair....It's part of the infamous, Bible Belt, and lucky for them, I come as a rather empty slate. Because why can't we all just pray heal the amputees? It doesn't work. But this is a topic for a different blogger to delve into. I'm not going there. Back to my Arkansas.
Yes, MY Arkansas. It's for me. Colorado didn't have a career for me. No love, no future here. So we come to the point of today.....Colorado, I'm breaking up with you. It's you, not me. You make me miserable and I have grown to hate you. You've withheld careers, and opportunities from me, left and right. I'll be moving out in three weeks. Good Riddance Colorado.
In any event, tonight, is Secret Secret Hippie Princess on the Hill Night, with my Kaiti. We'll be our own paparazzi. And photos will be rampant. Much like the sweet Southern boys I'll find in Arkansas......(joke.)
It's called, "The Natural State," because it has many rivers, lakes, mountains... and tornadoes that lay waste to most of the developments. I'll be sure to keep that in mind for a fantastic future entry, "I Experienced a Tornado, and Lived to Blog About It."
Arkansas has a subtropical humid climate, so I'll be sure to have flat hydrated hair....It's part of the infamous, Bible Belt, and lucky for them, I come as a rather empty slate. Because why can't we all just pray heal the amputees? It doesn't work. But this is a topic for a different blogger to delve into. I'm not going there. Back to my Arkansas.
Yes, MY Arkansas. It's for me. Colorado didn't have a career for me. No love, no future here. So we come to the point of today.....Colorado, I'm breaking up with you. It's you, not me. You make me miserable and I have grown to hate you. You've withheld careers, and opportunities from me, left and right. I'll be moving out in three weeks. Good Riddance Colorado.
In any event, tonight, is Secret Secret Hippie Princess on the Hill Night, with my Kaiti. We'll be our own paparazzi. And photos will be rampant. Much like the sweet Southern boys I'll find in Arkansas......(joke.)
Monday, August 9, 2010
Arkansas, I'm Yours:
I got a call today from an Unknown number while I was nannying. When I saw it, I had a feeling it was a representative of HP. And she welcomed me to "The Company." Forget second interviews, forget the wait, I Sarah Christine McIver, have a REAL JOB WITH SALARY AND BENEFITS!!!!! Hello insurance, I missed you so.
Today's been surreal for sure. I filed out all of my sign-on paperwork like a responsible adult, all by myself. I researched more apartments and where the nearest Starbucks would be. I went and told the woman I nanny for, and she and her husband were beyond proud of me and are excited for this new chapter in my life. It hasn't sunk in that I won't see them. I was there when the baby said his first word. I was there to catch puke in my hands. No one but their parents knows these kids like I do. This may be the hardest part to leave behind, besides my own family and Kaiti.
I'm so ready for this. I'm ready and willing to become a Southern Belle. This is by far the biggest adventure and challenge I've been handed. And I am so incredibly excited to get the proverbial ball rolling. I still have to call many people and get some questions answered, but I just had to put this on mimzee. It's a moment to be placed in the mimzeeum, for all to read and be happy for too. Because this means I'm no longer waiting for my life to begin. It started at 9:43 (MST) today. When I got the call. After all the jobs I applied to and cried over. After all this stress and waiting, this HP position comes at me faster than a comet, made for me, by the cosmos I'm certain.
Not to sound like a fortune cookie, but great changes and many topics for mimzee are in the near future for all of you. Because now we're really starting an epic tale. I've never been anywhere else.
I've never left my nest. And now, I start my career on September 20, 2010. Which means I move, and live on my own sometime before that.
It's all happening. It's all happening. I'm ready. Are you?
Today's been surreal for sure. I filed out all of my sign-on paperwork like a responsible adult, all by myself. I researched more apartments and where the nearest Starbucks would be. I went and told the woman I nanny for, and she and her husband were beyond proud of me and are excited for this new chapter in my life. It hasn't sunk in that I won't see them. I was there when the baby said his first word. I was there to catch puke in my hands. No one but their parents knows these kids like I do. This may be the hardest part to leave behind, besides my own family and Kaiti.
I'm so ready for this. I'm ready and willing to become a Southern Belle. This is by far the biggest adventure and challenge I've been handed. And I am so incredibly excited to get the proverbial ball rolling. I still have to call many people and get some questions answered, but I just had to put this on mimzee. It's a moment to be placed in the mimzeeum, for all to read and be happy for too. Because this means I'm no longer waiting for my life to begin. It started at 9:43 (MST) today. When I got the call. After all the jobs I applied to and cried over. After all this stress and waiting, this HP position comes at me faster than a comet, made for me, by the cosmos I'm certain.
Not to sound like a fortune cookie, but great changes and many topics for mimzee are in the near future for all of you. Because now we're really starting an epic tale. I've never been anywhere else.
I've never left my nest. And now, I start my career on September 20, 2010. Which means I move, and live on my own sometime before that.
It's all happening. It's all happening. I'm ready. Are you?
Friday, August 6, 2010
Waiting Game:
I had my first interview with HP today. Yes, Hewlett Packard. If I do get the job, I'd be an account manager, but it's basically sales. Business-to-Business, and I wouldn't be dealing with grumpy nasty golfers. I was told it isn't a glamorous job by any stretch of the imagination, but for $40,000-$50,000 a year, it's far better than anything I'm currently doing. I keep weighing the pros and cons, and even though it's in Arkansas, selling computers, servers, and software, it isn't here in this crap-town, the money is good, I know sales, and it's only for two years. From there I'd be moved up. The Pros truly outweigh the cons.
I figure if I can catch baby throw-up in the palms of my hands, be pooped on, thrown- up on, be thoroughly degraded by drunks, and smell like stale beer for three years....I can sell servers and software over a phone for two.
This is a big deal. If I do get it, I move down there by September 20. But I'm here, waiting for interview number two....my hands are still shaking from interview one. I hope I did OK...
I figure if I can catch baby throw-up in the palms of my hands, be pooped on, thrown- up on, be thoroughly degraded by drunks, and smell like stale beer for three years....I can sell servers and software over a phone for two.
This is a big deal. If I do get it, I move down there by September 20. But I'm here, waiting for interview number two....my hands are still shaking from interview one. I hope I did OK...
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
After:
I've been twenty three now for over twenty four hours. And it doesn't feel any different than 18 or 21 or 22.....I still feel young and probably too idealistic, like there's more to this world for me than what I've currently been dealt. But this is good.
After a day of rigid shoe shopping with Kaiti, yesterday, I finally had my birthday look all put together. A true Urban Outfitters Model. I'll have to actually get the look put back together and take a photo for the mimzeeum, so pictures will indeed come soon....
Kaiti also got me the Beatles Anthology and I've been reading it all day. I have a big crush on John Lennon, for anyone who was curious to know. He was a true visionary and a man of peace. (jai guru deva, right?) I wish I knew him personally. My life would forever be changed.
My life seems so lovely, and alright. And then it gets stagnant and stressful, but lately, I've been able to deal. I cannot however stay like this forever. As we all know...
I'm going to Chicago soon. And I'll be job hunting out there. In desperate hopes that maybe I find a job in my field. They call it the "Second City," you know. I've already been to THE City, and now it's younger sister!?!? All in one year. I love traveling just not on airplanes. But you already knew that. But back to my point, Chicago and Sarah, it sounds good right? I'm lucky.
So far, today, I've done chores and showered. AND got to enjoy my first love ever, A GRANDE EXTRA HOT CARAMEL MACCHIATO!!!! With which we are currently spending time watching The House Bunny.
Life as a 23 year old is good, it's not much different.... But it's going to be better because this is my year. I've deemed it so. I'll just be taking it one macchiato at a time, one city at a time. One day at a time.
After a day of rigid shoe shopping with Kaiti, yesterday, I finally had my birthday look all put together. A true Urban Outfitters Model. I'll have to actually get the look put back together and take a photo for the mimzeeum, so pictures will indeed come soon....
Kaiti also got me the Beatles Anthology and I've been reading it all day. I have a big crush on John Lennon, for anyone who was curious to know. He was a true visionary and a man of peace. (jai guru deva, right?) I wish I knew him personally. My life would forever be changed.
My life seems so lovely, and alright. And then it gets stagnant and stressful, but lately, I've been able to deal. I cannot however stay like this forever. As we all know...
A vacation would do my old soul good.
I'm going to Chicago soon. And I'll be job hunting out there. In desperate hopes that maybe I find a job in my field. They call it the "Second City," you know. I've already been to THE City, and now it's younger sister!?!? All in one year. I love traveling just not on airplanes. But you already knew that. But back to my point, Chicago and Sarah, it sounds good right? I'm lucky.
So far, today, I've done chores and showered. AND got to enjoy my first love ever, A GRANDE EXTRA HOT CARAMEL MACCHIATO!!!! With which we are currently spending time watching The House Bunny.
Life as a 23 year old is good, it's not much different.... But it's going to be better because this is my year. I've deemed it so. I'll just be taking it one macchiato at a time, one city at a time. One day at a time.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Chapter 23:
I've been talking a lot about change and getting older. But today, it's hitting me different. Like an open palm as opposed to a backhand. I turn 23 in 2 days. The stuff that is me, is over two decades old. My lips and brain tissue. And it all has an expiration date, but that's a different story. I'm talking about how my bones are 23 years old. It's weird to me.
It's not as big as 25 will be, when I can legally rent a car. But to me, being 23 is a new chapter. I always have things to work on...I need to be more understanding of people and more patient, and always more positive. But I've learned so far that I can be pushed to the edge of my sanity, and not fall too very far. I learned I am in control of my anxiety and that I love New York. I learned I can carry a political or religious opinion and not be burned at some proverbial stake for being different. (All I have to say, is why can't God heal amputees? I'll leave it at that.)
This past year I grew more as a person than I ever have. And I am proud. I do have a very long way to go. But mimzee is about my journey and the bumps in the road.
Socially, things are not much different. A grande extra hot caramel macchiato from Starbucks is $3.92, with tax. And I drink it everyday, still....I've been trying to eat more organic foods, to stay healthier over the long haul. Other than food, Kaiti is my always and forever best friend. But I've become close to the girls at work and have found great comfort in many other friends.
This coming chapter I want to learn how to cook, make more mix drinks, be more outgoing, live out of my parent's house, pay rent and loans, have a real job, have a relationship in which I do not get emotionally jerked around, or do the jerking myself... but most importantly, I want to learn how to be a grown up. It's high time I was.
In two days, chapter 23 begins. And I'm incredibly excited. It's going to be a great year for me.
It's not as big as 25 will be, when I can legally rent a car. But to me, being 23 is a new chapter. I always have things to work on...I need to be more understanding of people and more patient, and always more positive. But I've learned so far that I can be pushed to the edge of my sanity, and not fall too very far. I learned I am in control of my anxiety and that I love New York. I learned I can carry a political or religious opinion and not be burned at some proverbial stake for being different. (All I have to say, is why can't God heal amputees? I'll leave it at that.)
This past year I grew more as a person than I ever have. And I am proud. I do have a very long way to go. But mimzee is about my journey and the bumps in the road.
Socially, things are not much different. A grande extra hot caramel macchiato from Starbucks is $3.92, with tax. And I drink it everyday, still....I've been trying to eat more organic foods, to stay healthier over the long haul. Other than food, Kaiti is my always and forever best friend. But I've become close to the girls at work and have found great comfort in many other friends.
This coming chapter I want to learn how to cook, make more mix drinks, be more outgoing, live out of my parent's house, pay rent and loans, have a real job, have a relationship in which I do not get emotionally jerked around, or do the jerking myself... but most importantly, I want to learn how to be a grown up. It's high time I was.
* * *
Monday, July 26, 2010
Walk Away Early:
I'm human. I'm selfish and broken by nature. But lately it seems I'm stubbing my toes and sliding on asphalt with my face more often. I keep tripping over the things I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of change, but know it's absolutely necessary in order for me to be happy and sane. I'm scared of failing, but I'm already an under achiever, what's a tiny bit of effort going to do? Put me back on par with even keel? I mean really.
I'm frozen in this moment. Uncertain certainty that I've got to do something about this. But what? I can't live like this. I hate the golf course, I am getting tired of nannying. I want kids of my own. I can't mother some one else's kids forever.
My trip to Chicago will help. I need a vacation. I don't want to be too snooty, but I think I deserve it. I'm bringing about ten resumes with me. And hopefully, with my cousins' help, I can get around downtown okay, and find myself with a few opportunities. Here's hoping. If I could work in television, or blog about crap for famous people, I'd be set. Hey, Travi McCoy, you need someone to tweet and blog about what you do on tour?!? Lady Gaga? Jonas Brothers??? Anyone?????
And to think, I almost deleted mimzee and walked away from what I love. I kept wandering around, thinking, what is my passion, my hobby? Turns out its also what I want to do for the rest of my life. I love blogging. Even if no one reads it. But if you type in "mimzee" on Google's search page, it's the forth one down...ON THE FIRST PAGE!!!
So here's to not giving up on blogging. Here's to a lifetime of my fantastic crap.
I'm frozen in this moment. Uncertain certainty that I've got to do something about this. But what? I can't live like this. I hate the golf course, I am getting tired of nannying. I want kids of my own. I can't mother some one else's kids forever.
My trip to Chicago will help. I need a vacation. I don't want to be too snooty, but I think I deserve it. I'm bringing about ten resumes with me. And hopefully, with my cousins' help, I can get around downtown okay, and find myself with a few opportunities. Here's hoping. If I could work in television, or blog about crap for famous people, I'd be set. Hey, Travi McCoy, you need someone to tweet and blog about what you do on tour?!? Lady Gaga? Jonas Brothers??? Anyone?????
And to think, I almost deleted mimzee and walked away from what I love. I kept wandering around, thinking, what is my passion, my hobby? Turns out its also what I want to do for the rest of my life. I love blogging. Even if no one reads it. But if you type in "mimzee" on Google's search page, it's the forth one down...ON THE FIRST PAGE!!!
So here's to not giving up on blogging. Here's to a lifetime of my fantastic crap.
...my future is fretted with stars...
Bitter Work:
I am standing on the precipice of some unknown change. I’m right at the edge of jumping into it. Blindly and blondly going where I’ve not treaded. I have been offered a space in my cousin’s loft in Philadelphia, which I very well could take her up on that. I am going to Chicago in a few weeks to visit my aunt and uncle and could find a job and a life there... In any event, things are going to change, in the next five weeks or so. I know I’ll be in a different state of mind. Change is exactly what I need right now. I’m so sick of working my ass off for little to no recognition or gratitude.
One day I’ll be famous, or at least happy. And then I can breathe and let the ten ton weight on my chest roll off and stay off. But until then, I have to keep working myself thinner than rice paper. Because those that work hardest, receive the greatest rewards. I am certain of it.
I can’t wait for things to “pan out” or unravel at my feet like a red carpet for things to come. I’m ready, I am. I'm making things change. I'm making my life different. Starting now.
Friday, July 23, 2010
What is Needed:
I'm ready for the Pikes Peak Amateur to be over. I'm sick and tired of drunk golfers calling me "baby" or "bitch." I come in two flavors, apparently. This week has been a lot of killing people with kindness. All in hopes of a decent tip. No dear sir, a quarter is not acceptable in this economy. Maybe back in the twenties. Yes dear sir, six dollars would be wonderful.
It goes like this day in and day out. Month after month, until November comes. When they close the snack bar for the season. I sure could use a steady career, but even the projected job availability is still piss poor. Much like my attitude when I'm not faking it at work. I'm sorry I've been such a grumpy bugger, but this isn't how I expected my life, seven months graduated, to be. I'm on permanent spring break. But without the bikini-clad sluts, brobras, and liquor to accompany me into a drunken stupor.
I'm tired of this life. I want so much for it to be different. I want to be famous. I want to change people. I want to help people. I want I want I want. But maybe wanting isn't what's right.
Maybe it's what I need.
But I don't even know what that is anymore.
It goes like this day in and day out. Month after month, until November comes. When they close the snack bar for the season. I sure could use a steady career, but even the projected job availability is still piss poor. Much like my attitude when I'm not faking it at work. I'm sorry I've been such a grumpy bugger, but this isn't how I expected my life, seven months graduated, to be. I'm on permanent spring break. But without the bikini-clad sluts, brobras, and liquor to accompany me into a drunken stupor.
I'm tired of this life. I want so much for it to be different. I want to be famous. I want to change people. I want to help people. I want I want I want. But maybe wanting isn't what's right.
Maybe it's what I need.
But I don't even know what that is anymore.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
At Least It's Carrot Juice and Not Vodka:
At least things can be fixed. I'm talking about my mood. I'm a moody chic some days, I have to admit. Today was long, ten hours at work, lots of drunks, lots of running from the Snack Bar back to the kitchen for hot dogs and back again. I wanted so much for rain. And it poured for fifteen minutes. I wanted big tips, I made 115. I want to be on TV, and I met Donny Osmond's nephew, who knows people in television. He put my name through to a few big people in LA. I'm not holding my breath, because it seems to good to be true. But one day, I very well could have Diane Sawyer's job. I've only wanted it for eighteen years....
I am one grumpy bugger tonight, only because I worked my little butt off, and have been up for fifteen hours. Nothing like my marathon 52, but still. I'm excited for dreaming. I'm excited for possibilities. I've been trying to find what's been in my mind.
Days turn to night, and it's all mundane. But it won't always be. I'm ready for change, and maybe Donny Osmond's nephew really will help get me there. I just can't read the future.
I came home with a sour face, but as of now, at the end of it all, I can put on a smile because I survived, and it wasn't that bad. I found a little silver lining in myself. That I didn't know was there. Maybe it's because they're drunk, maybe it's because he's famous, maybe it's the rain and tips, but today feels alright now. It's gonna be alright.
True Blood in five minutes. I'm missing Kaiti. That's about all.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Nothing's Gonna Change My World:
Today started early. With high dreams and hopes. Ambitions of a future that left me gasping for air, I was so excited for things to maybe finally happen for me. The Beatles escorted me all the way from this cesspool town all the way up to Denver. Across the Universe was on repeat for most of my solo journey. Kaiti usually joins me on romps into D-Town. And we get lost on Capital Hill or On Broadway. Its always an adventure.
But today, I went alone. Kaiti is on vacation and it happened that this was my first day off in something like 17 days....I planned my day around one stop in particular. But first, I went to the Channel Seven ABC News Affiliate to drop my resume off with a very friendly receptionist. I got lost and couldn't find the other two places, but I'll get another day off... someday..
The point of my journey was to actually meet with the people of the Culinary School at the Art Institutes. I want so badly to learn to cook and prepare a menu, to learn about drink and food pairings and how to make a superb Cosmopolitan. I want to learn the ins and outs of running a restaurant...In hopes of one day opening and running my own bar and grill. I thought this surely was my dream. I thought, this morning, I was going to learn all these creative things and I'd open the next hot place for twenty-somethings to hang out. I even had a name for my bar.
Too bad tuition is $95,000. I wish it were possible to capitalize numbers, because I literally cried in the office. I am already $22,000 in debt for my BA in BS...add them together and you could have bought a lovely starter home, a cat, Pottery Barn furniture and had a small but memorable wedding!!!!
Clearly I will NOT be attending this institute. I came home a broken women, but hid it from nearly everyone. But then I come to find, the movie Julie and Julia was on television. I thought, odd. It was clearly a sign from the food gods I was either going to become a great chef, or a famous blogger.
As the movie ended, I hated food and school and any institution that makes you crazy about the taste of mayonaise. I'm taking this day as a sign from the viral and interwebular gods and goddesses of our era as a sign straight to my heart and soul that blogging is actually what I meant to do. Not that I believe in gods or goddesses, but someone, somewhere, is hitting me over the head with a very large hint that I am not meant to cook or toss liquor bottles.
I have a very strong premonition, that my words, are what will make me famous. I will change the course of history with thoughts and ideas. I will offend and inspire. It's who I am. What can I say, it's just my soup.
As for tonight,
jai guru deva.
But today, I went alone. Kaiti is on vacation and it happened that this was my first day off in something like 17 days....I planned my day around one stop in particular. But first, I went to the Channel Seven ABC News Affiliate to drop my resume off with a very friendly receptionist. I got lost and couldn't find the other two places, but I'll get another day off... someday..
The point of my journey was to actually meet with the people of the Culinary School at the Art Institutes. I want so badly to learn to cook and prepare a menu, to learn about drink and food pairings and how to make a superb Cosmopolitan. I want to learn the ins and outs of running a restaurant...In hopes of one day opening and running my own bar and grill. I thought this surely was my dream. I thought, this morning, I was going to learn all these creative things and I'd open the next hot place for twenty-somethings to hang out. I even had a name for my bar.
Too bad tuition is $95,000. I wish it were possible to capitalize numbers, because I literally cried in the office. I am already $22,000 in debt for my BA in BS...add them together and you could have bought a lovely starter home, a cat, Pottery Barn furniture and had a small but memorable wedding!!!!
Clearly I will NOT be attending this institute. I came home a broken women, but hid it from nearly everyone. But then I come to find, the movie Julie and Julia was on television. I thought, odd. It was clearly a sign from the food gods I was either going to become a great chef, or a famous blogger.
As the movie ended, I hated food and school and any institution that makes you crazy about the taste of mayonaise. I'm taking this day as a sign from the viral and interwebular gods and goddesses of our era as a sign straight to my heart and soul that blogging is actually what I meant to do. Not that I believe in gods or goddesses, but someone, somewhere, is hitting me over the head with a very large hint that I am not meant to cook or toss liquor bottles.
I have a very strong premonition, that my words, are what will make me famous. I will change the course of history with thoughts and ideas. I will offend and inspire. It's who I am. What can I say, it's just my soup.
As for tonight,
jai guru deva.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
I'm Okay:
"Oskar."
"I'm okay."
I'm sorry I pulled that awful disappearing act on you. I'm sorry I left you wandering and wondering.
Some months ago I became lost myself. I had extremely heavy boots about my ambitions in life, particularly involving my blogging career. But my dear readers, I'm here. I'm okay. And I'm going to continue on. No slowing. I'm going to be freshening up the layout over the next few days, and the topics are going to be coming at you like a bullet from a gun. I've decided not to pussy-foot around things. Don't get me wrong, I do not want to offend anyone, but my mere existence offends people daily I'm sure.
I'm done worrying about what others think of me. I can't be anything but me. I am a genuine article. I will change the layout of history. I will make people reconsider, and learn something new. I will be hated, and loved. This my dears, is life. And I can't do it any other way, but mine.
One day I'll have many things. Including the Beatles Anthology, and a tambourine. I'll have worldly knowledge and peace of mind. I'll have a husband and kids. I want all of you there for these events. I want you to journey on the climb of life with me. It's never easy alone.
Like a hurricane, gray and savage. Ripping tigers from jungles and trees from their roots. Like a ship sailing towards port, I am coming. I am here. And this is me. Back. Rejuvenated and inspired.
Are you ready??
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Sway, Sparrow, Sway:
I'm going to become a subversive graffiti artist. Well, no not really. But I plan on leaving my mark somewhere on this earth. Even if all I do is deface the bottom of the shelf at work with a moving or thought-provoking quote. Why am I even talking about this? Who cares.
Sometimes I think I write all of this stuff, all of my emotions, and dreams and ramblings, and in the end, no one cares. It gets forgotten anyway. So while I'm sitting here, I'd like to say one thing. That must stick to someone. I hope.
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate of anyone drops to zero. We all die. But it is up to us to make pivotal changes for this earth. My point is, where do you get your inspiration? And if you're reading this, I want a response. Because I'm half tempted to forget blogging. I'm almost certain no one cares about what I have to say, and I have a hard time finding inspiration. Don't say it's everywhere. Because that's bullshit. If it were, I'd write every day, and it would move people to their very inner cores. This, factually, is not the case.
So really, where do you get your inspiration to keep going when it feels pointless? What makes you feel like you are making a difference in this world? What makes you feel larger than life, and not a small insignificant human lost in the mass scale of billions of other un-unique snowflakes?
Sometimes I think I write all of this stuff, all of my emotions, and dreams and ramblings, and in the end, no one cares. It gets forgotten anyway. So while I'm sitting here, I'd like to say one thing. That must stick to someone. I hope.
On a long enough timeline, the survival rate of anyone drops to zero. We all die. But it is up to us to make pivotal changes for this earth. My point is, where do you get your inspiration? And if you're reading this, I want a response. Because I'm half tempted to forget blogging. I'm almost certain no one cares about what I have to say, and I have a hard time finding inspiration. Don't say it's everywhere. Because that's bullshit. If it were, I'd write every day, and it would move people to their very inner cores. This, factually, is not the case.
So really, where do you get your inspiration to keep going when it feels pointless? What makes you feel like you are making a difference in this world? What makes you feel larger than life, and not a small insignificant human lost in the mass scale of billions of other un-unique snowflakes?
Monday, May 24, 2010
When I Grow Up:
Possible things to be when I grow up, in this order:
Blogger: For many years now, I've wanted to blog about my life, and get paid for it. I'd talk about my adventures with pets, boys, marriage maybe.... Eventually it would be a mommy blog and I could brag about my babies, but those dreams take time.
Bar Owner: Not like a stupid night club where people get stabbed, shot, raped or killed. A BAR! a down-home place where there are regulars and a small dining menu. A place I'd build from the ground up.
Television Anchor: Since I was little I wanted Diane Sawyer's job. Report the most up-to-the-minute news on big stories. I want to interview plane crash survivors, tsunami survivors, ferrel children, presidents, and actors. I want to report more than the weather.
Blogger: For many years now, I've wanted to blog about my life, and get paid for it. I'd talk about my adventures with pets, boys, marriage maybe.... Eventually it would be a mommy blog and I could brag about my babies, but those dreams take time.
Bar Owner: Not like a stupid night club where people get stabbed, shot, raped or killed. A BAR! a down-home place where there are regulars and a small dining menu. A place I'd build from the ground up.
Television Anchor: Since I was little I wanted Diane Sawyer's job. Report the most up-to-the-minute news on big stories. I want to interview plane crash survivors, tsunami survivors, ferrel children, presidents, and actors. I want to report more than the weather.
Sports Center Anchor: I can spout, daily, the news according to sports. Who won, lost, got injured, traded or fired. Plus I'd make it look good...
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Ready.Set.Go:
Okay, Life. Let's Get Real.
...come on now young lady, get it together...
I'm 22. It's been over six months since I graduated. I've been lazy. This coming week, I'll be blogging like a mad woman. Job hunting like it's my job, and all the while, smiling because the zombies haven't attacked.
Okay, there is no such thing as zombies, but still. It's a good life I live. I need to be diligent. There really is no point to this post, except that, after being oogled by so many drunk assholes and random Ford truck owners, and having zero dollars in my bank account, AND still living in my parents basement...I need to get my life going. It's all happening. It's all there, I just need to get the pieces in the right order. A puzzle. I'm ready for change. I think that's what has taken me so long to find motivation. I wasn't ready. But I sure am now, I'll tell you what. Going to New York, and seeing life from a different perspective, really lit a fire under my big butt.
I'm going to do this. I'm going to get what I want out of life because I set forth the effort and ambition. Plus I'm cute and crying gets me almost anything because I can be totally pathetic.....BUT that won't always work. I have to vary my tactics and stay on top of my searching for a job and home and furniture and man of my own. I'm hard to please. I'm in no way imaginable high maintenance, but I am particular about what I like and do not like. I'm hard working and soft-hearted. I'm me. That's got to be something right?
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Forever Since:
I am terribly sorry it has been nearly what, two weeks since I last blogged? I haven't found inspiration. I'm working on many things. One being myself, as always. Other projects include finding a job in my field of study, maintaining a positive attitude, even when at 10:15 this evening at the gas station, some man leaned out of his lifted Ford truck to say to me, "Yikes." As I walked by. I'm sorry Sir, did my face offend you or was it my cute body that made your tiny dick spring up out of hibernation? I'm sorry dear reader. But it brings a whole new meaning for the phrase, "Little prick..." Is "Yikes" even a compliment or should I be worried about saving money for Botox?!?
That's another thing. My boss said I looked older. What does THAT even mean? Like my body looks sad and used up? I need a nose job? WHAT?!?
I don't even care. This week has been work, nanny, work, nanny, eat, sleep, work, nanny.....It's go go go. Making it rain pennies from heaven. That's the goal.
But here are some more photos for you to enjoy. Of my week, my nephew Charlie, and Sir Topham Hatt.
...Charlie...
...larger than life...
..."Seriously, it's trucks or choo choos, Miss Sarah"...
..."Seriously, it's trucks or choo choos, Miss Sarah"...
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Airplanes and Shooting Stars:
A wish right now, I could really use a wish right now. I tell people things, but it's always on repeat. They have there lives to remember, not mine. But I'm still in this. New to me. Fresh, bright and shiny. A star made of metal 45,000 feet up. Not a cesspool of faded dreams and lost laughter. Memories yellowed like photographs.
I need to look towards tomorrow, that's where life is. Everything in life, including life itself, is temporary. But if I don't get out, I'll die here. There are no free handouts. It's windy, I'm windblown and self-conscious. Doubt fills me more than coffee. Can we pretend? Airplanes are shooting stars, eyelashes and everything possible? New York is wrapped around my thoughts. Like a ribbon. Why did I even get up today?
The fury rises, it's in my head, heart, lungs. Like cancer it spreads. I can't give up, but it's hard to climb when my hands are bleeding from holding on so tight. Good things SHOULD happen to good people. I am the genuine article. Smart, sweet and giving. I am kind and a decent human. I know this. I could be better, but I am me and me is a very big heart.
I cry and the tears stain my cheeks with mascara. I get mad for crying. I hate showing it. I bottle everything, like vintage wine. Older, more flavorful. I bury things so deep. I'm in the clay. Water table tight. Locked away the key.
I need numbers. I need percentages. What are my chances of getting this job? 62%?
I'm not a religious person by any measure, but I know a higher power is looking out for me. Why else would my eyelashes be so long? Big wishes for a little girl. I'm day dreaming again. It's all happening, it's all happening. I'm going to make it. It will happen. Just like breathing. No more heavy boots. Light like sparrows. Birds on a wire. Summer's coming, so is my 23rd. Paychecks and bank deposits. Save save save pennies from heaven, baby.
I could really use this wish right now.
Airplanes like shooting stars.
No more heavy boots.
It's all happening.
I need to look towards tomorrow, that's where life is. Everything in life, including life itself, is temporary. But if I don't get out, I'll die here. There are no free handouts. It's windy, I'm windblown and self-conscious. Doubt fills me more than coffee. Can we pretend? Airplanes are shooting stars, eyelashes and everything possible? New York is wrapped around my thoughts. Like a ribbon. Why did I even get up today?
The fury rises, it's in my head, heart, lungs. Like cancer it spreads. I can't give up, but it's hard to climb when my hands are bleeding from holding on so tight. Good things SHOULD happen to good people. I am the genuine article. Smart, sweet and giving. I am kind and a decent human. I know this. I could be better, but I am me and me is a very big heart.
I cry and the tears stain my cheeks with mascara. I get mad for crying. I hate showing it. I bottle everything, like vintage wine. Older, more flavorful. I bury things so deep. I'm in the clay. Water table tight. Locked away the key.
I need numbers. I need percentages. What are my chances of getting this job? 62%?
I'm not a religious person by any measure, but I know a higher power is looking out for me. Why else would my eyelashes be so long? Big wishes for a little girl. I'm day dreaming again. It's all happening, it's all happening. I'm going to make it. It will happen. Just like breathing. No more heavy boots. Light like sparrows. Birds on a wire. Summer's coming, so is my 23rd. Paychecks and bank deposits. Save save save pennies from heaven, baby.
I could really use this wish right now.
Airplanes like shooting stars.
No more heavy boots.
It's all happening.
...I'm doing okay...
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Back in Hell:
Originally written on the plane, May 3 2010.
The life I've been dreaming of may be starting. All these thoughts are racing through my head. Jumping to what I'd pack, and what I'd leave behind. I'm sitting on this airplane, smiling like an idiot. Not much to my name. New York is amazing, my cousins are amazing. Remember: send them a huge thank you. Remember to call work. Remember how you feel right now. I could very well be driving back this way in two and a half weeks if god is on my side. My head is literally in the clouds. 45,000 feet up. My head's on straight. No, I don't have much money. Yes, I have debt. Money comes and goes. And this may be my one chance to get out and live. Not just go through the motions. Zombiella. Dreams are made on perseverance and timing. I can't help but think, this is it for me. New York. Let's hear it for New York. For luck, life, love, and all things in between. I can't get the Chinatown grease off my skin, or the house on Grove Street from my mind's eye. The giggles from babies out of my ears. I'm not giving it up. My life. I'm 22. I'm ready for this. Saratoga Springs, summers, winters, and falls. It's for me. Call it magic, call it fate, or destiny or simply timing. It's all true. It's all right, alright? I can do this. Paul and Abra are saying it's okay. Even if, at first I can't pay rent. I can clean, clean. I can teach the girls to swim. Save pennies from Heaven. I found god in the city. Waiting to show me the light. If this plane goes down, I've made my peace, but I know it won't. I've got to get back to New York. God's work, I think. Call me crazy, call me idealistic. I'll answer to the latter. But I know in my heart of hearts. This is where I belong. My name is Sarah Christine McIver. And I Heart New York.
Flying over corn fields and wheat. Sleeping to pass the time. Only sleep leads to restlessness. My mind is busy. What time is it? I'm getting closer to the familiar, and farther from what feels like home. If you knew...Only if. Just agree. I'm questioning time zones. I promise you I never knew I could. So many questions, although we all agree. New York is calling.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Day Before:
...new haircut for New York...
...the scary weather I am leaving behind...
I am packed, mostly.
I am ready, mostly.
New York, tomorrow we meet.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Muchas Preguntas:
Hoy en día, tengo muchas preguntas sobre el futuro. Debido a que pronto estaré en Nueva York. ¿Qué pasa si me olvido de Colorado? ¿Qué pasa si no regresas? Porque nada me está aquí. Nada. Voy a tener las respuestas. Ojalá pudiera vivir en mis sueños. La vida sería diferente, si yo tuviera todo lo que quería. Tal vez voy a volver, tal vez no ...
Random Wednesday:
"Cause everything it must belong somewhere
Sound stage in California, televisions in Times Square
Yeah, everything it must belong somewhere
I know that now"~Bright Eyes..
Monday, April 19, 2010
New York Air Mix:
This Song in Not About Airplanes: Harvey
Hello, I'm in Delaware: City & Colour
This Beautiful Life: The Dear Hunter
Myfriendjane: NeverShoutNever!
All My Days: Alexi Murdoch
My Body's a Zombie for You: Dead Man's Bones
Bigcitydreams: NeverShoutNever!
Lullaby for a Snow-Faced Girl: Kevin Devine
Same Same: Crazy Diamond
Building Rockets: Gil Mantera's Party Dream
Shake It: Metro Station
Dare4distance: NeverShoutNever!
Just like the Wright Bros.: The Rise of Science
Hello, I'm in Delaware: City & Colour
This Beautiful Life: The Dear Hunter
Myfriendjane: NeverShoutNever!
All My Days: Alexi Murdoch
My Body's a Zombie for You: Dead Man's Bones
Bigcitydreams: NeverShoutNever!
Lullaby for a Snow-Faced Girl: Kevin Devine
Same Same: Crazy Diamond
Building Rockets: Gil Mantera's Party Dream
Shake It: Metro Station
Dare4distance: NeverShoutNever!
Just like the Wright Bros.: The Rise of Science
Baggage:
Shirts:
2 black v-neck tees
1 white v-neck tee
2 black long-sleeve shirts
1 white long-sleeve shirt
2 white tanks
1 grey spaghetti
1 white tube top
1 black small sweater
1 Nuggets jersey (Billups)
Pants:
New AF jeans
grey AF jeans
grey leggings
Dresses:
black one
blue/brown one
Sweaters:
blue one
oatmeal one
Shoes:
black flats
Uggs
wallet
makeup bag
straightener
hair dryer
phone charger
book
money....
2 black v-neck tees
1 white v-neck tee
2 black long-sleeve shirts
1 white long-sleeve shirt
2 white tanks
1 grey spaghetti
1 white tube top
1 black small sweater
1 Nuggets jersey (Billups)
Pants:
New AF jeans
grey AF jeans
grey leggings
Dresses:
black one
blue/brown one
Sweaters:
blue one
oatmeal one
Shoes:
black flats
Uggs
wallet
makeup bag
straightener
hair dryer
phone charger
book
money....
I have incredibly small clothes.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Broken Eye and Black Nose:
I woke up this morning in an unusually chipper mood. And if you know me, than you know me in the morning is not chipper. I'm more of your average Zombiella.
I got to work and some guy said I looked perky....I'm not sure if he was commenting on my mood or how cold I was.....But I didn't let that get to me. After 8 hours of selling hot wieners and beer, I now smell like a strange wiener and beer mix, along with my perfume and hairspray....Not so good. I'm exhausted. And then again I'm not...awesome. Fantastic anxiety.
I don't know the point of today's post. Except, I LEAVE FOR NEW YORK IN 5 DAYS!!!!!!! It's going to be a hellish wait. I'm fighting myself every step. Anxiety, excitement, lack of money...I'll end up with a broken eye and a black nose before those five days are up. Beating myself up over money and bills, but money comes and goes...like guys and shoe sales. P.S that reminds me, I need to get a few shirts yet before I leave...I don't have enough clothes...
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Without That Face On:
...confused about her image...
...although we all agree she's so...
I have heavy boots and cannot finish that line.
I'm an overexposed photograph. I'm in the past and when I look at myself those seconds slip and I'm not real. It's kinda like that...I cannot protect myself from this sadness without protecting myself from that happiness. Because they come as a pair. How many thousands of millions of gentle finger brushes against each others faces and bodies does it take to make love? I promise that you've never looked so good...
I think I'm too afraid of losing something that I love so I refuse to love anything and if I let it be, than maybe I can make the impossible possible. But I'm afraid. Because I have heavy heavy boots, and I bury things too deep inside. I hope you never think about anything as much as I think about you. It's kinda like that.
I've got a problem telling time. Is it morning or is it night? I don't know.
I miss life, simply and shyly. I need that back.
And tonight I'm small. Excuse me do you have the time?
We all agree I'm so....
And all day at work I promise that I had a mask. Smiles for pennies. I beg to differ, sir. I cannot be a model.
And the whiskey was whispering. But not loud enough. And I saw it waiting, but it was never touched. Because heavy boots means I'm already sinking without the drinking.
But it's not like that, it's me, yet again with blank pages where words should be but I don't know the right ones.
I'm going to catch a colder. Excuse me where do you get the tickets? I promise you've never looked so good....
I'm headed eastish. Where the sun rises. Because this devil town is crummy. And I've got heavy boots.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Albany is a Synecdoche and Lavender is Personification:
It's part of something bigger, it stand for something brighter. I keep thinking my trip to New York is going to give me an epiphany. Like a blast of Eastern Air in the face knocking me into oblivion. Because I hate this devil town. I'm no Colorado Springs Advocate. I hate it. Anywhere is better than here, well, mostly anywhere. At least I don't live in the vicinity of Sarah Palin. (*She scares the living jeepers out of me) But let's not get political. Because I can make a mess of things with that loaded talk.
I keep wondering if by going to New York, I'm supposed to find something out there...like an absolution...
Today, I'm restless. I can't decide if these words are keepable or if I should just start over. I reread my work over and over, like a crazy person, and I don't ever like how it sounds. I'm too hard on myself. I hope I'm not like this in Albany.
I hope that, by the time this post is over, this anxiety attack will subside. Ugh. I want so much, and I want nothing. I want to go out, but I don't want to leave my house. I want food, but I don't want to eat. WTF is my problem this afternoon?? This is anxiety.
I guess it's the fear of the unknown. But I'm not afraid.
Maybe it's the wind and the uneasiness in which it blows, or the way the sunlight is not right. Or maybe how my shirt doesn't fit quite right, or how my hair is absolutely out of control and I HATE IT.
Where is the positive? Well, I leave next Friday. I escape this devil town for 10 days. I'm going to job hunt out there, I already decided, just in case things don't work out here ya know? Because this adventure with my Master's isn't going well.
I hate these words. And I have heavy boots today. And I love the word and. But words are my enemy today and they bind me to myself, and I hate that. Like ropes made of run-on sentences and strings of though all tie me down to myself and my lack of creativity. Because I'm hard on myself.
But for now, I'll enjoy the lavender flowers than mean life is still going. And the tulip buds that mean I can keep going and longing for change, for color and Albany.
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And just like that, after a nice afternoon drive around this godforsaken town, I feel better. I saw six cops, countless brobra Brads, a woman of about sixty picking her nose, and a three legged dog, with an owner who was way more haggard. It's nice to know I live in a town with people as, eclectic as this...too bad they're such evangelically declined, proselytizing, hypocritically conservative buttmunches.....But that's a story for another day.
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