Nothing Feels:

  Like home.

    I've got my car and my stuff.  I've got the road and the idea of what will be. I move like the Moon.  I'm crumpled under the weight of my insecurities.  If I stumble, they're gonna eat me alive. And my heart beats harder than a sonic boom trapped in a cage made of fragile bones. My pulse is out of control.
   My blood is still flowing, and I keep breathing and waking each day.  But I don't know what for.  The Unknown is creeping.  And it gets black, the edges of my vision.

   If this is excitement, then what is fear like?

   I should be packing and cleaning but it's physically and emotionally draining.  Like I'm at an impasse.  I tremble and quake. My fingers move faster than my eyes and I have to keep correcting the spelling. I'm ready don't get me wrong. I'm glad for this move.  I'm excited more than I can express.  But the fear is also there. And it grows more each day and I'm scared of growing up.  Where's Peter Pan when you need him?
   I'm on my own now. And it's like a requiem for my thoughts.  A song for the dead.  This isn't what I expected but took it because I need out of Colorado.  I need to go and be an adult. For how long before my dreams come true though? I never dreamt about Little Rock until I got the job. I never thought about it.  And now this place consumes my soul like a flame does tinder. I'm nothing but life's little pawn.
  I love the change, but it's daunting.  I always thought I'd find myself in New York.  And now, that's just a memory. I'm desperate for it's voice. I thought I'd find a rich man and marry him, make babies and mother them right.
   But this is not how it's going.  And I'm okay with it. Most days. I've never had ambition. I've never wanted anything out of life except to be left alone.  And it's changed.  Because now that I'm leaving, I'm clinging onto memories and friends more than ever. I'm tired of being all alone.  I want this job.  I want this move.  Arkansas, I'm yours.
   Call me crazy for moving to the South.  Call me whatever you already do.  Bitch. Crazy. Fake. Flake. Whatever you already thought of me, continue that.  Because I don't give a shit anymore.  I'm moving away from this soul-sucking town.  That's all that matters.  Because my true friends will visit. Kaiti will come. And so will Lauren.  And the negative feeling I get here, will be gone.  Because I'm going to Little Rock with a positive attitude. With ambition and dreams. New dreams. Modified ones.

 

Home:

   In one week I'll be an Arkansas darling. Sassy and classy, with eyes wide and so much at my feet.  Ain't nothin' pleases me more than knowing the stress I'm under today will not be here then.  I have to get used to terms like "ya'll" and "howdy." Southern drawl, walking tall, anything but this spinning.
   Ally ways and flat lands.  I got a lot to learn.
   Home is not here now. I have a 2 bed/2 bath waiting for me.
   It's sinking in that this is it. I'm already lost without Kaiti and Lauren.  I'm spinning into nothingness, only to be spit out in Little Rock.  With each day I'm more terrified of the unknown and my eyes water at the daunting uphill climb it will be cleaning out my damn room.
   I have so much to do that this may very well be my last post until I get there. I'm sorry friends for the inconvenience.  I got a lot going.  Clearly. Moving 948.86 miles SOUTHEAST-ISH.
  
  As of this second I'm stalling my room cleaning. I'm stalling and halting because I'm overwhelmed. I'm spinning so fast I want to throw up.  This ain't no kiddie ride.  Mockingbirds are waiting. But I'm crying. My eyes have been so swollen and blotchy all day.  It's settling into reality now. It's making me anxious. It's uprooting my comfort level and replanting everything I know far far away.

   .......fuck.......

Absolution on Center Street:

   Today I met a man who washes windows for a living.  He had no socks in his shoes. He's had a hard life.  And when he asked me if I was a religious person, I did not lie, when I shook my head no.  He was defeated, looking for an absolution.  I did not lie when I told him, we all fall on hard times.  I told him what is laid in front of us, is our own battle, that we are chosen for such hardships because we can handle them, they are ours to bear.  And we are strong enough to make it, because it was ours always.  I told him that although I do not believe in a god, I believe that we must have faith in ourselves. Always.  To which he smiled.  He said for a nonreligious person, I was very spiritual.  And that he was happy to have met me.  He said he felt lighter, and that he is ready to fight his good fight. 
  As I walked back to my aunt's house from Starbucks, it hit me.  I saved a man from committing suicide today. And he opened my eyes to the millions of people who fight their good fight quietly. And to them, have faith in yourselves.  Because you are strong, and this life is meant for you.

And Just Then:

   I have many changed plans.  I'm still going to Arkansas, but now my mom AND dad are driving with me and my stuff.  We're hitching a trailer to my dad's truck and I'll follow with my mom in my Civic.  I'm indeed getting the 2bed/2bath.  AND my parents got me a 32" flat screen as a housewarming gift! I'll have TV at least!!!
   I leave for Chicago on Monday for vacation, and I am so happy to see my family out there.  My life is true chaos right now.
   Kaiti went with me on a rigid pillow search for an antique chair I'm bringing down.  It was a success.  I'd say I'll put up a picture, but I'm so far lying about all those other ones.....We did find a field and have a photo shoot in it.  Out near Falcon, Colorado.  At sunset.  So indie of us.  Maybe those will make it up here...With my life in shambles, who knows.

   But it's all happening.  And it's exciting and new.  AND I'm ready....well....sort of.

And These Few Moments:

   I'm freaking out.  I have four weeks to move.  It feels like minutes away, I'm shooting for September 5th to leave, and to get there on Monday, the 6th.  That is seriously a blink away.
   I fell in love with these apartments, and they have no 1 bedroom/1bathroom units available.  But I can afford the 2 bed/2bath....thank goodness.  I still have to talk to my parents about it, but they are the most reasonable apartments I've researched.  I don't want to go anywhere else.
   I also have to pay my first school loan, which makes me mad that it's all happening, but I'm also proud I can afford all of this on my own and won't be too terribly pressed for cash.  I have been saving saving saving like a bear ready for hibernating and I'm proud of myself.
  I've just researched moving vehicles and their competition.  U Haul is cheaper by over a hundred dollars.  A truck and a tow dolly for my little Honda Civic, all add up to less than 750 dollars.  This is also helpful, since I am not made of money.  I have enough, like I said, but still.
   And now, I have to go get ready for work.  All of this growing up and getting the best deals really takes time! And in these few moments I've grown into a responsible adult.

If any of you have any advice on moving, please feel free to pass it along my way.  As I am feeling a little bit stressed.

Mockingbirds and Diamonds:

   To familiarize myself with Arkansas, I've been trying to obtain as much information about the state, and the city of Little Rock as much as I can.  For instance, the state bird is the mockingbird, which happens to be part of the title to one of my favorite books.  The state gemstone is a diamond, which is a girl's best friend.  And the flower is the apple blossom, and I love granny smiths more than your average bear.
   It's called, "The Natural State," because it has many rivers, lakes, mountains... and tornadoes that lay waste to most of the developments. I'll be sure to keep that in mind for a fantastic future entry, "I Experienced a Tornado, and Lived to Blog About It."
   Arkansas has a subtropical humid climate, so I'll be sure to have flat hydrated hair....It's part of the infamous, Bible Belt, and lucky for them, I come as a rather empty slate.  Because why can't we all just pray heal the amputees? It doesn't work.  But this is a topic for a different blogger to delve into.  I'm not going there.  Back to my Arkansas.
  Yes, MY Arkansas.  It's for me.  Colorado didn't have a career for me.  No love, no future here.  So we come to the point of today.....Colorado, I'm breaking up with you.  It's you, not me.  You make me miserable and I have grown to hate you.  You've withheld careers, and opportunities from me, left and right.  I'll be moving out in three weeks.  Good Riddance Colorado.

  In any event, tonight, is Secret Secret Hippie Princess on the Hill Night, with my Kaiti.  We'll be our own paparazzi.  And photos will be rampant.  Much like the sweet Southern boys I'll find in Arkansas......(joke.)

  

Arkansas, I'm Yours:

  I got a call today from an Unknown number while I was nannying.  When I saw it, I had a feeling it was a representative of HP.  And she welcomed me to "The Company."  Forget second interviews, forget the wait, I Sarah Christine McIver, have a REAL JOB WITH SALARY AND BENEFITS!!!!! Hello insurance, I missed you so.
  Today's been surreal for sure.  I filed out all of my sign-on paperwork like a responsible adult, all by myself.  I researched more apartments and where the nearest Starbucks would be.  I went and told the woman I nanny for, and she and her husband were beyond proud of me and are excited for this new chapter in my life.  It hasn't sunk in that I won't see them. I was there when the baby said his first word.  I was there to catch puke in my hands.  No one but their parents knows these kids like I do.  This may be the hardest part to leave behind, besides my own family and Kaiti.
  I'm so ready for this.  I'm ready and willing to become a Southern Belle. This is by far the biggest adventure and challenge I've been handed.  And I am so incredibly excited to get the proverbial ball rolling.  I still have to call many people and get some questions answered, but I just had to put this on mimzee. It's a moment to be placed in the mimzeeum, for all to read and be happy for too. Because this means I'm no longer waiting for my life to begin.  It started at 9:43 (MST) today.  When I got the call.  After all the jobs I applied to and cried over.  After all this stress and waiting, this HP position comes at me faster than a comet, made for me, by the cosmos I'm certain.
   Not to sound like a fortune cookie, but great changes and many topics for mimzee are in the near future for all of you. Because now we're really starting an epic tale. I've never been anywhere else.

I've never left my nest.  And now, I start my career on September 20, 2010.  Which means I move, and live on my own sometime before that.

It's all happening.  It's all happening.  I'm ready.  Are you?

Waiting Game:

   I had my first interview with HP today.  Yes, Hewlett Packard.  If I do get the job, I'd be an account manager, but it's basically sales. Business-to-Business, and I wouldn't be dealing with grumpy nasty golfers.  I was told it isn't a glamorous job by any stretch of the imagination, but for $40,000-$50,000 a year, it's far better than anything I'm currently doing.  I keep weighing the pros and cons, and even though it's in Arkansas, selling computers, servers, and software, it isn't here in this crap-town, the money is good, I know sales, and it's only for two years.  From there I'd be moved up. The Pros truly outweigh the cons.
  I figure if I can catch baby throw-up in the palms of my hands, be pooped on, thrown- up on, be thoroughly degraded by drunks, and smell like stale beer for three years....I can sell servers and software over a phone for two.
  This is a big deal.  If I do get it, I move down there by September 20. But I'm here, waiting for interview number two....my hands are still shaking from interview one.  I hope I did OK...

After:

   I've been twenty three now for over twenty four hours.  And it doesn't feel any different than 18 or 21 or 22.....I still feel young and probably too idealistic,  like there's more to this world for me than what I've currently been dealt.  But this is good.

   After a day of rigid shoe shopping with Kaiti, yesterday, I finally had my birthday look all put together.  A true Urban Outfitters Model.  I'll have to actually get the look put back together and take a photo for the mimzeeum, so pictures will indeed come soon....
   Kaiti also got me the Beatles Anthology and I've been reading it all day.  I have a big crush on John Lennon, for anyone who was curious to know.   He was a true visionary and a man of peace. (jai guru deva, right?)  I wish I knew him personally. My life would forever be changed.

   My life seems so lovely, and alright.  And then it gets stagnant and stressful, but lately, I've been able to deal.  I cannot however stay like this forever.  As we all know...

   A vacation would do my old soul good.

  I'm going to Chicago soon.  And I'll be job hunting out there.  In desperate hopes that maybe I find a job in my field.  They call it the "Second City," you know. I've already been to THE City, and now it's younger sister!?!? All in one year.  I love traveling just not on airplanes. But you already knew that. But back to my point, Chicago and Sarah, it sounds good right?  I'm lucky.
  So far, today, I've done chores and showered.  AND got to enjoy my first love ever, A GRANDE EXTRA HOT CARAMEL MACCHIATO!!!! With which we are currently spending time watching The House Bunny.
   Life as a 23 year old is good, it's not much different....  But it's going to be better because this is my year. I've deemed it so.   I'll just be taking it one macchiato at a time, one city at a time. One day at a time.

Chapter 23:

   I've been talking a lot about change and getting older.  But today, it's hitting me different.  Like an open palm as opposed to a backhand. I turn 23 in 2 days.  The stuff that is me, is over two decades old.  My lips and brain tissue.  And it all has an expiration date, but that's a different story.  I'm talking about how my bones are 23 years old. It's weird to me.
   It's not as big as 25 will be, when I can legally rent a car.  But to me, being 23 is a new chapter.  I always have things to work on...I need to be more understanding of people and more patient, and always more positive.  But I've learned so far that I can be pushed to the edge of my sanity, and not fall too very far.  I learned I am in control of my anxiety and that I love New York.  I learned I can carry a political or religious opinion and not be burned at some proverbial stake for being different. (All I have to say, is why can't God heal amputees? I'll leave it at that.)
   This past year I grew more as a person than I ever have.  And I am proud.  I do have a very long way to go.  But mimzee is about my journey and the bumps in the road.
   Socially, things are not much different.  A grande extra hot caramel macchiato from Starbucks is $3.92, with tax.  And I drink it everyday, still....I've been trying to eat more organic foods, to stay healthier over the long haul.  Other than food, Kaiti is my always and forever best friend.  But I've become close to the girls at work and have found great comfort in many other friends.
  This coming chapter I want to learn how to cook, make more mix drinks, be more outgoing, live out of my parent's house, pay rent and loans, have a real job, have a relationship in which I do not get emotionally jerked around, or do the jerking myself... but most importantly, I want to learn how to be a grown up.  It's high time I was.

*   *   *

   In two days, chapter 23 begins.  And I'm incredibly excited. It's going to be a great year for me.