Nothing Feels:

  Like home.

    I've got my car and my stuff.  I've got the road and the idea of what will be. I move like the Moon.  I'm crumpled under the weight of my insecurities.  If I stumble, they're gonna eat me alive. And my heart beats harder than a sonic boom trapped in a cage made of fragile bones. My pulse is out of control.
   My blood is still flowing, and I keep breathing and waking each day.  But I don't know what for.  The Unknown is creeping.  And it gets black, the edges of my vision.

   If this is excitement, then what is fear like?

   I should be packing and cleaning but it's physically and emotionally draining.  Like I'm at an impasse.  I tremble and quake. My fingers move faster than my eyes and I have to keep correcting the spelling. I'm ready don't get me wrong. I'm glad for this move.  I'm excited more than I can express.  But the fear is also there. And it grows more each day and I'm scared of growing up.  Where's Peter Pan when you need him?
   I'm on my own now. And it's like a requiem for my thoughts.  A song for the dead.  This isn't what I expected but took it because I need out of Colorado.  I need to go and be an adult. For how long before my dreams come true though? I never dreamt about Little Rock until I got the job. I never thought about it.  And now this place consumes my soul like a flame does tinder. I'm nothing but life's little pawn.
  I love the change, but it's daunting.  I always thought I'd find myself in New York.  And now, that's just a memory. I'm desperate for it's voice. I thought I'd find a rich man and marry him, make babies and mother them right.
   But this is not how it's going.  And I'm okay with it. Most days. I've never had ambition. I've never wanted anything out of life except to be left alone.  And it's changed.  Because now that I'm leaving, I'm clinging onto memories and friends more than ever. I'm tired of being all alone.  I want this job.  I want this move.  Arkansas, I'm yours.
   Call me crazy for moving to the South.  Call me whatever you already do.  Bitch. Crazy. Fake. Flake. Whatever you already thought of me, continue that.  Because I don't give a shit anymore.  I'm moving away from this soul-sucking town.  That's all that matters.  Because my true friends will visit. Kaiti will come. And so will Lauren.  And the negative feeling I get here, will be gone.  Because I'm going to Little Rock with a positive attitude. With ambition and dreams. New dreams. Modified ones.